Something v. Nothing

Why are we here?

Why does anything exist?

How did matter win the war with antimatter?

The Qualitative Research Group at Northwestern University concludes, “the energy we encounter and use everyday has always been with us since the beginning of the universe and always will be with us. It just changes form all around us. That is called the law of conservation of energy.” The Big Bang Theory suggests that this energy began almost 14 billion years ago, so it had a beginning, we think, so why no ending? Why can’t energy fade and die out?

The US Energy Information Administration claims that “energy is neither created nor destroyed.” Then where did it ultimately come from? It exploded out of nothingness at the singularity we call The Big Bang? From what I can tell, quantum mechanics offers no better explanation. Looking at the subatomic scale we still see particles reacting to energy fields that seem a universal constant. 

I’ve followed Dr. Roger Penrose for years and I believe where he ends up is with infinite “big bangs,” claiming that the last one 13.8 billion years ago was the last in a series. Others conclude that we are merely one universe within a countless multiverse. Still, some philosophers assert that we are merely a dream of Universal Consciousness, questioning our physical existence at all. Is our physical reality even real? 

Where I see physics, math and science fall short is in the realm of the paranormal/supernatural/metaphysical/spiritual. Academia has yet failed to quantify anything beyond the boundaries of the physical realm. In other words, they have quantified through mathematics the so-called laws of nature, things that are measurable even subatomic particles. But, there again, all of these concepts, including astrophysics, are human constructs. Quantum mechanics is just a concept to help humankind explain what we can observe and measure at the subatomic level. But, there again, things beyond this physical realm seem to exist all around us, concepts like the fifth or sixth dimensions, consciousness or spirituality, that our science, our logic and reason fail to explain or even to prove. 

Does spirituality exist at all? What are souls? Where does consciousness reside? Science cannot tell us. Not yet, anyway. We live in a very exciting time with science stretching our understanding of the cosmos.

It started with with the Hubble space telescope, and what it found to be the “Hubble constant“ where the expansion of the universe appears to have happened faster near the Big Bang than we had previously thought. Currently, the James Webb space telescope has been shedding more light on the problem and has verified the Hubble constant. Scientists believe we may need to rethink physics altogether. We need to find new ways to explain what we are discovering at a very rapid rate.

That’s why I say it’s such an exciting time because of the new discoveries thanks to our technology. But we may never have the answer to the why questions that we are seeking. It could be that the answers are bigger than our intellect and ability to reason. Maybe it will take a higher evolved type of human in the distant future to gain the understanding or possibly create a new technology that explains the unexplainable. For now, humankind is left with questions that cannot be answered.

UPDATE: When I wrote this over two days, I had Euclid in my notes, but failed to mention it. This European Space Agency-led project has the audacious goal of mapping the known universe. The current mosaic of the night sky, impressive as it is, only covers a minuscule percentage of the whole, thus far. But the HD images, along with Hubble and JWST images, will help us gain new understanding of the cosmos.

What's happening RIGHT NOW?

I have situational depression. It doesn’t make me suicidal. It just takes me to a bad headspace and holds me captive for a time. It doesn’t last, however, the depression usually fades just as quick as it rushes in. My best defense is to stay in the present. Like Eckhart Tolle preaches and even wrote in his book “The Power of NOW“ your problems that you perceive to exist in the present don’t really exist in the present moment. When you stop and look around, where are they? Simply put, in your mind. And I'm either looking back at something that has happened moments ago, weeks ago or years ago or I’m looking ahead to what I perceive will happen in the next moments, weeks, months or years. And the mystics and sages tell us that "to live in the past is depression, to live in the future is anxiety." That’s why Tolle preaches to stay in the now.

And I haven’t read his book. I have watched tons of his lectures online and I know this principal. It bears out. It is true. #TRUTH

My problems, whatever they are, do not exist in the present moment. At the present, I am breathing, I am alive, I am present and aware of my breath, my internal environment and my surroundings. Just taking that momentary inventory is enough to tell me, nothing is threatening me at this very moment. There is no black bear hovering over me ready to devour me. So why do I act as if there is??? That black bear, as fictional in this moment as my perceived problems, does not exist. I am not in imminent danger. Nothing is wrong right this second. It's only in my mind.

Where does worry and anxiety exist? Only in our minds. Where does my depression exist? Only in my mind. Well, don't we have control over our minds??? If not, who does? Who controls our present if not us?

That's the place where you discover that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! It's not your circumstance, your situation or anyone else in your life. It's YOU! You got yourself into the predicament you are in, whether you caused it or not, you reacted to it. Who controls your reaction? Who regulates your emotions? YOU DO!

So if you come to that point of discovering, I AM THE PROBLEM! Then what are you going to do about it? Fix it or ignore it, hoping it passes?

Nothing in you will change unless you change it.

If you find yourself spiralling with worry, doubt, anxiety or depression. Stop and take stock of everything around you. Are you still breathing? Is the bear hovering and ready to devour? Then where is the perceived threat? Somewhere in your past? Somewhere in your future? Has your crystal ball EVER been that accurate? Or do things typically work themselves out?

I live on a barrier island that was wiped out just 25 months ago by Hurricane Ian. The survivors here remember the fear of death like it happened to them yesterday. They suffer PTSD, which is totally understandable. But Ian didn't happen to them yesterday. It's not going to happen tomorrow. Chances are, in their lifetime, they'll never face another devastating, life-altering storm like that.

So what "Ians" are we facing? Am I facing...right now or in the future? Probably none. Again, it was a once-in-a-lifetime storm that, fortunately, I did not go through. Can I sympathize with my neighbors here. YOU BETCHA! Is their PTSD real and rooted in a past traumatic event. ABSOLUTELY! But do they have to live in fear for the rest of their lifes. NO! That trauma lies in their past and only truly exists in their memories of that day 25 months ago.

Look, nothing that happened 25 months ago, 45 years ago or even an hour ago has to effect you right now, in the present! You can let it if you want to, but you have complete control. That's not to discount the lingering effects of trauma, PTSD or past experiences. But the reality is, they are no more a threat to you right now, in this moment, than the make believe black bear in my living room. It doesn't threaten you right now. The 18-feet of storm surge isn't taking your foundation out from under you RIGHT NOW! So why act as though it is?

BE PRESENT.

Don't let anxiety about future perceived problems or obstacles get in the way of your life today. Don't let current circumstances overwhelm you. They don't have power over you. Regulate your emotional reactions to whatever it is that's really going on, or just going on in your brain. That's where your control is, over your reaction to it. Why are you overreacting, or wasting any energy or brainpower whatsoever on something that MIGHT occur in the future, whether it's another major hurricane or a shortage of income? Whether it's a near-death car accident or a hangnail? Can you control either, or stop them from happening, with worry? NO! You're just taking precious years off your life. That's all worry does.

That's self-defeating. To continue down the path of worry and slowly killing yourself. Other living things in the animal kingdom don't do that!

What is threatening you right now? If you're not sliding across the median into oncoming traffic as you read this, why are you worrying about that accident that COULD happen but is not happening now? If the bear isn't standing in your living room ready to pounce, why are you acting as if he is, scared to make one false move. JUST BREATHE! Your problems only exist in your brain. Somehow, you'll find a way to pay that bill from your shrinking bank account, even if you have to "rob Peter to pay Paul." I've been there many times. I have the overdraft receipts to prove it. Those times of worry and doubt or doing without DIDN'T KILL ME!

I've even lived homeless for a time. Did it kill me? NO! I'm here writing about it. I actually thrived in that inhospitable, unsafe environment around drug addicts, perverts and the mentally unstable. We are animals built to survive. We don't need all the creature comforts we've come to enjoy, but we believe we need them to survive. We don't. We need air, water and something to eat. That's how animals survive in the wild. And they don't kill themselves early by worrying about it.

Why am I posting all this. I'm not preaching to anyone. This is my present reality. I'm sitting on my couch, in my living room (creature comforts that don't keep me alive) with this laptop on my lap, writing about where I am at. I've been struggling for weeks with situational depression. I put a video by Eckhart Tolle on the television, using the YouTube App on FireTV (more creature comforts that don't keep me breathing) and that's what led to this entire post. It was for me, primarily.

I am a student of this shit. I have gone deep many times to rediscover myself, who I am at my core. But I still struggle up here at the surface ALL THE DAMN TIME! I'm not perfect. But I do know who I AM. I just need to be reminded over and over and over...because I am human. I have tendancies. They don't always serve me well. But tapping back into SOURCE and finding myself in the deep, does help me to survive...sometimes on the daily. Often times, moment to moment, like Bob Wiley "baby steppin." Baby steps back to the present. Baby steps back to who I know that I AM. Seriously, I have to get that rudimentary.

Nothing in my present situation is killing me. There are no current threats to my life or safety in this present moment. Stay tuned.

I don't remember when I created this graphic, but I go back to it all the damn time!

Perspective, Ego and Growth

In this ever expanding Universe, we are not even a grain of sand or a blip on the cosmic radar. We are truly insignificant in the galactic view of our reality...if we can call reality, reality. Isn't it just our perception of it? Are we but a dream on the tip of consciousness?

PERSPECTIVE
I think that is one thing which comes with age. And with it, comes some humility. That reminds me of a post by the Power of Positivity's Instagram Account:

I hope that's where I was going with my STILL GROWING AT 54 post. Life does have a way of bringing you back to humility. When your ego gets away with you, something inevitably happens to bring perspective back to you.

At my age, I still have things to learn and time to grow. But I'm definitely on the downhill slope on the backside of my life. Again, perspective.

I know that I'm not destined to live forever. Age is already showing in my joints, my libido, my energy levels. That's not to say that I'm done...just dying. I mean, we are all destined to become dust and rejoin the cosmos from whence we came.

The life hack is making the most of this finite journey -- enjoying the short time we exist in these mortal vessels.

I have to remind myself all the time to be present. "Quit looking back and looking forward all the time," I tell myself. The present moment is the only "reality" we have. Everything else merely lives in our mind, whether past or future.

Here's another meme I found recently that I really like:

If we're constantly in a state of looking back, living our past life over and over, how do we attain growth? There's no reason to stay in the past. We are evolving creatures. Evolution has been happening for eons. "None of us are the same as we were yesterday."

It takes intention to stay present, to be in the now. Like most, I struggle to control the random thoughts that pop in and out of my head. Eckhart Tolle refers to this as the unconscious mind. It distracts us. It goes to our ego, that sense of self that is the "sum total of our experiences." But we're not bound by our ego or the unconscious mind. 

I'm trying to go with consciousness. I want to be intentional. I desire continued growth.

Part of that growth is releasing others from their past sins. I can't hold others in the past, either. I must allow them room to grow and change. They deserve the same grace I give myself. But vulnerability is hard. Letting go of the hurt and moving past it requires the same intention as presence. It also requires the loosening of ego's control. "But they did that to ME!" Really, was your ego so bruised that you cannot forgive and let go? You've done the same to others and you expect to be forgiven. Live and let live, I guess is what I'm going for.

Ok, enough rambling for today. This was as much written for myself as anyone else.

We are all stardust...and to the cosmos we will return.

Reality TV / Vlogs

Taking a break from beach dreaming in my Belize Countdown...to bring you something a little different, a slice of my life, I guess you could say...and other ways I've been spending my time.

It all started, I believe, with Martijn Doolard, the Dutchman who bought a rustic, century-old mountain cabin in the Italian Alps. I was looking for entertainment, for an escape, and YouTube was readily available on the TVs in the house, on my laptop and my iPad. I'd often take the latter to bed with me and watch as I trailed off to sleep. The mountain aesthetic and slow-pace of Doolard's solitude on a hillside, remodeling the quarried stone structures on his secluded property and cooking over a firepit gave me peace. It was a bit of social media escapism.

Here's Doolard's YouTube channel, in case you want to check it out: https://www.youtube.com/c/MartijnDoolaard

I'm not a very handy person, so watching all the DIY remodeling and construction was fascinating to me. He pays respect to both nature and Italian Alps culture and I was actually learning something as I watched. And like I said, the peaceful aesthetic would most nights help me wind down before sleep. I binged the first 20-plus episodes shot over the last year, and at some point last month, caught up to where he is currently. He vlogs every Monday, encapsulating a week-in-the-life of Martijn Doolard.

Following the YouTube/Social Media Algorithm, several similar vlogs were recommended for me to watch. The ones with scantily-clad young woman enjoying nature were natural clickbait, so I started watching vanwives (lesbians in Nova Scotian wilderness), the Cottage Fairy (single woman living simply in the Washington mountains), Isabel Paige (living "her best life" with a boyfriend, also WA), Stephi Lee (nomad artist living in a van) and Nikki Delventhal (single with dog in Prius). There are links to all their channels below, if you'd like to preview some of their content.

What these vloggers offered was escapism and maybe a little inspiration for my minimalist, live-off-the-land ideal. That's how I'd like to spend the remainder of my days. And yes, there was a little curious voyeurism.

But let's face it, at it's core, it's simple entertainment. It's like all the "reality" portrayed on voyeuristic televised shows on cable. I was just getting what I felt was a little closer to reality on YouTube. But to be honest, there's NOT a lot of difference here. These slickly-produced 20-30 minute day-in-the-life vlogs were a big commitment (and sometimes production, involving camera people, drones, scripts, etc.). They were hardly a slice of "real life," as they try so hard to portray.

Take for instance, shoots and reshoots. As an example, we'll consider a scene in Doolard's cabin build-out vlogs. He'll take his pull-behind trailer down the narrow mountain roads with his mini-SUV. There will inevitably be shots from behind the wheel, from his property as he departs, from the destination as he arrives. Now, Martijn doesn't have a film crew following him around. This isn't a documentary in the classic sense. It's a single YouTuber with a couple cameras and a drone and some tripods. So in order to get all those slice-of-life shots, he has to set up the camera, considering framing, lighting, sound, etc., then film himself driving, then stop the car and go back for his equipment. If the camera is out of focus, the tripod falls over or the clouds suddenly obscure the lighting, he's likely to reset and refilm the shot (like in the movies). And while he might be catching raw moments in his life, they are staged and filmed. They might not have been scripted, but a lot of time and effort goes into being a one-man film crew.

These are things that normal viewers may not consider. They've been lulled into believing what they see actually happened as they see it on-screen, forgetting there's sometimes "story boarding," reshooting and editing involved, like on a reality TV show.

I'm sometimes even lulled into forgetting that what I'm watching is mostly staged. These vloggers, or content creators, are "acting" for their own camera to produce "quality" content that they can then monetize. And many of them make a decent living, for minimalist type lifestyles.

Some of them even have an interesting back story. As Jasmine Cherry points out in this long-winded video (you can skip to 13:27 for relevant content), there is an element of privilege. These vloggers have the money, equipment and time to shoot and edit and upload these 20-30 minute videos, on average. For some, it becomes a full-time job with a livable income stream as a result. Others go so far as to hock wares, even their own creations, on their channels, while still others will grovel and beg for support--through Patreon, GoFundMe and other crowdfunding sources.

And let's remember, it's SOCIAL MEDIA on the Internet...everything is not exactly how it seems! (i.e. you can't trust everything you see on the Interwebz). Take everything, even these "reality" vlogs with a grain of salt (or a pitcher of Margaritas!). Again, content creators are, in a sense, actors putting up a perception of their reality. Take, for instance, Isabel Paige (not her real last name), who was outed by Ms. Cherry, as painting a very skewed picture of her reality--living in the wilderness in a tiny home she built. In reality, her family owns a farm where they once grew weed (legally, of course) and had an ON-GRID VACATION HOME. This was never shown, of course, or explained on Isabel's vlog until she was outed. She and her boyfriend had been living large in her parent's vacation home in the Washington wilderness, about 30 minutes (not an hour, as she claimed) from the nearest town. In fact, there were modern neighborhoods nearby in her river valley. They were not roughing it in a poorly-accommodated tiny house in relative seclusion. She's one of the privileged class who had no problem downplaying her financial situation and even groveling for money to sustain her simple lifestyle. Um, grifter much?

So much for the fantasy of living honestly and modestly off the grid and off the land...

Why did I take a break from the positivity of my Belize countdown to talk about this? Because people are being duped by these new reality stars. Nikki Delventhal was once a model, hairstylist and contestant on The Bachelor. She isn't homeless and surviving nature in her car because she HAS TO. But all of her vlogs center around her "roughing it." She's a little more transparent about her privilege and doesn't beg for money, but she does have a Patreon account with subscribers who support her channel. It's just a replacement for reality TV shows, like "Survivor" or "Big Brother," shows that I cannot believe are still going decades later!

Lowest common denominator entertainment is what I call it.

I turned to YouTube as a replacement for cable. I got sucked into the "real life" drama of these people living "off grid," or untraditionally. It vibrated on my frequency...and to be honest, I got tired of falling asleep to Eckhart Tolle, Mooji or hypnotic music videos that play all night. This was my relaxing, alternative escape.

When I learned yesterday of the "real life" drama between vloggers Cherry and Paige, I was knocked back to reality. Anyway, we'll get you back to the Belize Countdown here shortly. In the meantime, check out any of these vloggers' YouTube channels:

vanwives: https://www.youtube.com/c/Vanwives
The Cottage Fairy: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheCottageFairy
Isabel Paige: https://www.youtube.com/user/pinsandneedleswithme
Stephi Lee: https://www.youtube.com/c/StephiLee
Nikki Delventhal: https://www.youtube.com/c/NikkiDelventhal

Again, these are shared for entertainment purposes only...and yes, I'll admit, a couple of them were/are guilty pleasures. Enjoy!