Still Growing at 54

There have only been two other posts this month. It's been a month of soul searching.

When I wrote my Hell 2.0 post in early October, I was in a dark place. I was resisting what was, ignoring the signs in front of me. "Don't go back to Fort Myers Beach," they seemed to be telling me. That's what my sister said and I just thought she didn't want me to go back without her. But for right now, there's nothing to go back to.

I knew I wasn't ready to leave the country. Belize could wait.

There's been something afoot in my spirit; something holding me at bay. It's a familiar feeling I began to have about this time last year.

At that time, I was certain my future was in Colorado. I possibly had housing awaiting me there. My daughters are there. A woman I'd been pining for was there. But I didn't leave. An old flame was rekindled. I stayed to see where that was going. As I wrote, from a dark place, still shut off from love, still bitter and angry, "Then, in a state of unwellness, I did the opposite and stayed in Indiana, rekindling what I believed to be an old flame," (Hell 2.0 post). That statement ended on a really vindictive note and I said something I now regret. It was hurtful and I was called out on it recently. I repented.

Two and a half months ago, I was ready to leave Indiana. Certain my immediate future included the beach and my friends there, I was thrown a curveball when Hurricane Ian made landfall on Sept. 28th. My plans put on hold again, like last year. But at the time, I couldn't even conceive that the "old flame," could possibly be the reason. There could potentially be unfinished business there.

REALLY?!?!

I thought I'd shut that chapter of my life for good.

Recently, a cousin in Evansville was describing a family member who shuts the door on those who hurt him and like a cup being drained of water, that person was done with whomever did the hurting. I seem to do the same thing--shut down and shut out. Just like pouring water from a cup, as my cousin put it, there's no water left. I thought there was no refilling it...ever.

That's a shitty way to live.

Where's the room for grace and mercy and forgiveness? What about "do unto others?"

Watching my baby sister grow and change, I realized there was still hope for this stubborn, curmudgeony, old man! Where I saw a weakness in my sister, giving those close to her MULTIPLE chances, I saw the opposite in myself. I reckoned I was stronger, more resolute with deeper conviction. I saw it as my strength. That was convoluted. I was stubborn, angry and hell-bent on holding the hostility, the grudge against those who hurt me.

Fate saw to it that I stayed put long enough to learn a valuable lesson.

And as life always does, it brought me back to humility.

See? Old dogs CAN still learn new tricks!

But I wanted to publicly apologize for what I said in my hurt back in October. I want to make right the wrong and be a better, more humble person.

I want to remain open to love, to be pliable, teachable and humble. Still growing...at 54.

Divine Feminine Energy

I was watching an Eckhart Tolle video where he was reading from the Tao Te Ching. In the excerpt he read, "Master" was a feminine energy which I translated to be "an enlightened one" or Enlightenment, itself.

It reminded me that in Judeo-Christian Scripture that "Wisdom," as a persona is often a female. So I began to wonder if this was a theme carried throughout spiritual thought.

My research was nowhere near exhaustive, not by any stretch, but I did find common themes.

Take the Indigenous People. They perpetuated the idea of "Mother Earth." And this divine feminine energy is also found in Paganism and other nature-centric religions. It's definitely inherent to Hinduism--Tridevi, or three goddesses, is a term used to describe the three main female deities. Then, there are the goddesses of ancient mythologies. Again, I'm not compiling an exhaustive list, just providing some wide-ranging examples of feminine divinity.

Anyone familiar with this blog, knows that I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home, rooted in Catholicism and later becoming Protestant.

The idea of feminine divinity was NOT celebrated in my home. In fact, the "worship of Mary" was one of my father's main criticisms of Catholicism. He was raised in that Church.

These are ideas I've begun considering and even embracing in the latter half of my life. It's no coincidence that humans on this planet owe their life to their mothers who incubated and delivered them. So why is it such a stretch for many Christians (dare I say MOST), to embrace the idea of a feminine deity?

I don't hold those chauvinistic ideals anymore.

I clearly see the dominance and utter devastation the patriarchy has wrought on society, and particularly in Western philosophy and religion.

It's evident in our politics and policies in America. It shouldn't rule our religion, as well.

It appears to me that the divine feminine energy has always been present, I just hadn't realized it. I knew the Biblical Proverbs that spoke of Wisdom as "she," but the Pauline Epistles make it real clear that women should not have a voice in churches.

It's well past time that we shake off the bonds of patriarchal religion and societal norms and embrace the divine feminine energy. It's a thing of wonderment and beauty.

I haven't waxed spiritual in awhile, so I felt this post was needed. Thanks for stopping by and entertaining my ramblings. 

The Carpenters

I'm a rock-n-roll guy; have been for a long time. But I started out listening to my parents' record collection. And because I had a stay-at-home Mom, I spent my early childhood listening to her favorites, which included Johnny Mathis, Mamas and Papas and one seminal album from a brother-sister duo:

THE CARPENTERS.

The album was 1970's "Close To You," offering up the duo's first NUMBER ONE hit, the title track of the album. Mom loved it because of the layered harmonies and Karen's silky smooth alto voice. Mom was also an alto who could match harmonies with ANY melody. She had a knack for that.

Their music is nostalgic to me on an intrinsic level. Richard Carpenter's opening piano riff on "Close To You" is iconic and it immediately takes me back to Race Street in Princeton, Indiana. That's where we lived when I started kindergarten. Other than my Sesame Street record collection on 45, that Carpenters album was the soundtrack to my early childhood. By the time they hit the "wah" section, I'm five years old again!

Their early hits have been playing on repeat in my head. As a follow-up to their first #1, they released their second hit, "We've Only Just Begun," which was a California bank commercial tune. Richard saw it on TV one day and said, "That's a hit record!" He happened to know the duo who wrote it and rang them.

I ran across a YouTube video chronicling their meteoric rise to stardom in the '70s, appearing on Ed Sullivan, Bob Hope Special, Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, their own special...they were all over television during my childhood. But they're not an act I seek out or regularly listen to. Had it not been for this random YT video I watched, I wouldn't have them on repeat in my head.

But there's something about nostalgic music and how it works like an instant portal. Like comfort food, this music takes me back to the warmth of living at home under mother's care, back to my innocence, a time when I didn't have a worry or care in the world. That's what their music has done for me here lately during this time of uncertainty and change.

Sadly, the world lost Karen Carpenter at 32. She was but a teenager when Herb Alpert signed them to A&M records and suggested the Burt Bacharach tune, "Close To You," which was originally written for Alpert to record, thus the excellent trumpet solo part. A&M left the arrangement to Richard, who had a George Martin-like knack for that sort of thing. I've even heard other artists and admirers compare him to the incomparable Brian Wilson. And as I said, that opening piano riff was all Richard Carpenter. But the silky smooth lead vocal was uniquely Karen. I don't know if sudden stardom contributed to her eating disorder, but it weakened her heart and she died young of respiratory failure.

SEE HOW PERFECTLY SHE SANG:

There was no better easy listening music from that period than Karen and Richard Carpenter. I think they played in heavy rotation on WXTC, Indianapolis. Dad would always have that easy listening station playing at low volume in the living room when I was in grade school, after we'd moved from Princeton. I think I remember falling asleep to the trumpet solo way back then.

The Carpenters, for me, are comfort music.