In trying to decide what to write for this important day of remembrance, it occurred to me, just write what's been on your mind lately. And that centers around my families migration to my home state, the state that bears the name we used to call Native Americans: INDIANA.
::a few pieces of my life, my love for music, my family, my writing, football and my emerging spirituality::
Monday, October 13, 2025
My Pioneer Ancestors Owe a Debt to Indigenous Peoples
In trying to decide what to write for this important day of remembrance, it occurred to me, just write what's been on your mind lately. And that centers around my families migration to my home state, the state that bears the name we used to call Native Americans: INDIANA.
Saturday, August 23, 2025
A Father's Love
I love you more than what I can convey by text or even mere words.
As soon as I typed those words and hit send, it made me ponder some deep things. Will she ever be able to fully weigh the sentiments I just poured out? The words were heavy with meaning. Will she ever understand that, or the depth from whence they came? Maybe if she raises a child and loves it proper. I don't know. I pondered if she truly loves herself. If she fully grasps the concept. Probably not. I was well into my adult years.
One thing I know of sure, she doesn't know the profound impact that loving her has had on me as a person, and as a man.
I know I wasn't fully rooted in the concept when I adopted her. I wouldn't begin the practice of self-love until the summer of her 11th birthday, once she and her mom and sister were getting reacclimated with life in Tallahassee...without me.
But as cliche as it sounds, I didn't even know I had enough love inside to love two other human beings, such as I did those two. Would I have ever cracked the code on loving myself without them? It's hard to imagine. So I cannot possibly overstate the impact that they've both had on my life, my adopted daughters, but primarily Merikathryn, because she was my first.
The text at top is more than sentimentality. It is not the sappy, syrupy derivative of a lonely empty-nester father, though I do miss her dearly (both of them). I miss being a daily presence in their life and them in mine. No, it wasn't just saccharine sentimentality. It came from a depth in me I've only begun to realize and explore, a deep well inside that 2012 untaped.
I'm struggling with words, now. They just don't do the depth of feeling any justice. It really is deep and abiding, a father's love. Mine is no different for my oldest than if she'd been created from my rib, "bone of my bone or flesh of my flesh," as the saying goes. No, I couldn't quite imagine going much deeper. I feel it in my marrow. But how to convey that by text? In words?
I did my best today with what I wrote (this was actually yesterday, when I texted then wrote this post). Words are all I really have. And if texting is technically an action, then I'm loving her actively, as well. But will it hit it's mark? Hard to say. I'm not there to gauge her reaction (and she hasn't texted back in two days...not that unusual...she'll get around to it eventually).
I don't know that her brain is fully developed at 24. What about her sense of who she is? Yes, I shared a part in shaping that person. And I did my best to love her! But I'm imperfect, as a human and a parent. I didn't always display fatherly love. There were missteps, for sure. Heck, there was separation and a divorce. That surely didn't help. But I did to the best of my ability at that time. But does she love herself, I wonder. Can she accept love fully?
These are the questions I cannot answer.
But I can certainly keep letting her know.
Tuesday, July 22, 2025
OZZY OSBOURNE TRIBUTE
It's hard to overstate the importance of Ozzy's music and his impact on popular culture. From his early days in Black Sabbath to his hit reality TV show on cable, "The Blizzard of Oz" has remained culturally relevant for decades, impacting generations of youth. I was one of those youth, when his breakout solo album (title above) debuted in the Spring of 1980. I was in the seventh grade.
I was familiar with Black Sabbath after hearing them fairly regularly in rotation on the Album Oriented Rock (now Classic Rock) station I grew up on in Indy, Q-95. I love the intro to "Iron Man" and Tony Iommi's memorable guitar riff! But once Blizzard came out and "Crazy Train" hit the airwaves all bets were off. I was a bonafide fan of his music. But it started almost as soon as the album came out. My friend and fellow misfit from the Junior High Group at Central Baptist, a kid named Owen, brought the vinyl to church one day. The cover, alone, got my attention. It seemed highly sacrilegious to have this in the basement of our church, let alone to be listening to it on the record player in the high school youth group room. I was blown away. I loved it, from the dark imagery to the music.
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Of course, Owen loved Mr. Crowley and the dark theme of that classic tune. He had to explain to me who Aleister Crowley was and his connection to the dark side. By the end of that decade, Oz would be deemed the Prince of Darkness. I just loved the screeching guitars and fill-laiden heavy drums. Ozzy always featured the best guitarists, from the incomparable Randy Rhoades to Jake E. Lee to Zakk Wylde. And I loved everything those axemen brought to the metal table!
I don't know that I could pick a favorite Ozzy tune, but "No More Tears" and "Bark at the Moon" are in my top three, the latter coming out when I was in high school.
To highlight the multi-generational impact of the Godfather of Metal, let me share what happened just today as I learned of the news, around 12:30 PDT. I had just shared the sad news with a fellow musician on the bus who is in his 60's. He hadn't yet heard. Not ten minutes later, I'm standing outside a Ralph's Supermarket here in Venice, CA, and a guy pulls up blaring "Flying High Again" from his white SUV as he parked. The young dude steps out and is wearing an Ozzy t-shirt. We share our grief over his passing and he goes, "But we'll see him again one day." Another stranger walks up a few minutes later and in passing says, "Well, I guess he closed his eyes forever." Recognizing the Ozzy lyric, I share the same sentiments with him. He was my age or a couple of years older. The guy in the t-shirt before him was an early Millennial or late Gen Z-er, I'd say. Even my girls, now 24 and 21, know who Ozzy is.
I never got to see the legend perform live, to my dismay...never attended an OzFest. I anticipate we'll get a tribute album soon like we did in the wake of Ronnie James Dio's passing. Acts from Halestorm to Tenacious D lined up to record a track on that album. Can you imagine the line already forming for the Ozzy tribute?
And think about this...if Sabbath hadn't picked up on what Zeppelin was laying down at the beginning of the 1970's and going at it even harder and darker, would there even be a genre called Heavy Metal? "Crazy Train" has become a rock anthem played in nearly every sports stadium around the world. "ALLLLL ABOOOOARRRD!" Cue maniacal laugh. CLASSIC!
As I said, it's hard to overstate Oz's impact on the world at large, but more emphatically on the music world. Rest in peace, Ozzy.
Thursday, May 29, 2025
That Time I Was Being Catfished
That time was a few days ago, you know over Memorial Day Weekend. Yeah, that time.
To preface this story, I was NEVER going to be one of those old people who fell for every marketing scam that came down the pike. My Yahoo! Spam folder is full of promises for the perfect over-50 body, testosterone level, soulmate, get rich investment scheme, you name it. I delete that folder almost daily. There are the sponsored ads for freebies on social media that I mostly ignore, though I have followed a couple of them down the endless survey rabbit hole only to get frustrated that I fell for it and wasted my time.
Well, I've also watched the Catfish TV series that ran on MTV when my daughters were younger and living at home. We watched countless episodes together of socially awkward-to-inept teens and young adults pose as someone skinnier, healthier, funnier, prettier...in order to snag a fish. The saying goes there are "many fish in the sea," but these people can't rely on their own merit to catch one, apparently. This idea of catfishing has been going on for years. It snared a cousin of mine who lost his career over it. I was never going to be that gullible.
Right.
The bots are aplenty on all of the Meta platforms--Instagram, Threads and Facebook--that I've used. And I've had to utilize the block button more times than I care to count. I've even had replies to my comments on a post from bots that go to some length expressing how interesting of a person I am and would I please friend them or contact them so they can know me better. Some version of that has happened numerous times. My response is to either hide the comment, if I can't simply delete it, and to block that "user." I'm guessing most of them are Chinese hackers phishing for identities to steal.
But then a reply to a comment I made last week on a Vanity Fair article caught my attention. Of course, first gut instincts are always spot-on and as you'll note, I called out "BOT!" right away. But what struck me about this response is that it seemed a little more personal. It said they wouldn't get to know me unless I was "brave enough" to text them. Okay, now you've questioned my manhood (in a manner of speaking).
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The photos I got almost instantly, like she had them on the ready |
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Some of those accounts from a Facebook search. |
Now, I'm agitated and a little embarrassed.
Tuesday, April 22, 2025
Better Than That
I did not deserve the abuse I endured on Oak Ridge Ave, Ft Myers Beach, but I’m working through it. I know I deserve better than that. And while not totally healed from it, I am happy to have escaped. I moved all the way to the other coast across the country to heal by distancing myself and going zero contact. It’s the only way to end narcissistic abuse (and the accompanying reactive abuse).
I didn’t enjoy leaving Scott at the liquor store in the lurch, but I hope he understands. My escape was necessary for my mental health.
Be well my friends. Value your mental wellbeing and prioritize yourself. Peace, love and healing.
Tuesday, February 18, 2025
Lat/Lon of Life
“Changes in latitude…” Jimmy Buffet
Saturday, February 08, 2025
BLM Movement
Why Black Lives Matter
My daughter and I marched in 2020's Black Lives Matter/George Floyd protest in Tallahassee. We were proud to support her African American heritage, on her mother's side, her right to speak out on her own behalf and to let the world know that we've had enough of racism, hate and bigotry in this country.
I just learned of the BLM movement that year, but it started with three women in 2013, one of whom had simply made the comment on social media that black lives matter. And, C'MON, this is a bare minimum requirement, for a human life to matter. Black folks are human beings and so, of course, their lives are sacred, have meaning and value. The fact that this has to be stated for the record is the truly sad part.
These women--Garza, Tometi and Cullors--met at a black leadership conference that year, bonded and created a website for their grassroots organization. As Tometti reminds us, "Black people aren't a monolith." The black community is just as diverse as every other ethnic or racial group. The media just likes to perpetuate stereotypes, but you shouldn't buy into them. They only serve to fuel the hate and bigotry we still see today. The BLM co-founders were horrified and largely motivated by the killing of Trayvon Martin the year before they met. But it was the George Floyd murder by police in 2020 that saw the movement explode internationally.
I am convinced that so many people being home bound and isolated by COVID that Spring gave them a reason to get outside and to congregate. I know that I was paying so much more attention to the MSM and social media at that time and I couldn't get enough of the George Floyd/BLM coverage. I was outraged, as were my daughters. It took no convincing to get my youngest to march that day in downtown Tallahassee with me. It's a memory I'll always cherish.
She and every black member of my family matters significantly. In society, it's a bare minimum to say that one's life matters. Of course, all lives matter, but because of systemic racism and bigotry, we sadly have to single out black lives because they haven't always mattered in this country.
And since it's Black History Month, we should honor the legacy of Black Americans because THEIR HISTORY IS OUR HISTORY! And we should continue to demand better of this country and its government. That's why I'll be joining the continuing protests across all 50 states on February 17th. Please join me and take to the streets.
#BlackLivesMatter
(Editor’s note, the book “Call and Response: The Story of Black Lives Matter,” by Veronica Chambers, 2021, help to inspire and inform this post. It has lots of great photos plus a timeline of the civil rights movement.)
Friday, January 17, 2025
STOPPING THE MADNESS, The Series
I started a series on my YouTube channel documenting my mental health journey the last two and one half months. I titled it Stopping The Madness, parts one through three. Part three is the video above which I recorded in mid-December but just rediscovered on my phone. I hope you’ll take the time to watch it and the two that came before. There is a final part to the series, recorded earlier this week, titled Stopped The Madness. As you may have read in my last post, I finally escaped my narcissist abuser and left Florida for good! As I write this, I’m somewhere in the plains of Southern Colorado aboard an LA-bound train.
Thursday, January 16, 2025
My journey, my story to tell
EDITOR’S NOTE: It is NOT my intent to air Lynn’s dirty laundry. I only felt obliged to begin writing it last weekend when she began lying about me, our situation and assassinating my character, as she is prone to do. I have not cheated on her nor did I leave her for someone else. Period.
My story
It will soon come to light that I left Fort Myers Beach and all it had to offer behind, including a romance that was doomed from the start. I’m talking March 2012 when we were both still married. That should’ve been enough of a red flag to us both. Only one of us heeded it and spent ten years healing, growing and changing.
When I got back to what once was my happy place, I set a course for new adventure but ended up going right back to relearn the lessons I thought I had mastered the first time. Nope, I ran right past all of the red flags. You see, the dreamer in me wanted to rewrite the ending of our saga. Here is how I started that last chapter in 2024.
What I quickly realized is that my partner, the one who I called in the blog post linked above “my person,” was not any different than the psychological mess—the wounded child—I’d left here on Mango Street in February 2014! I’d assumed, and given her the benefit of doubt, that she’d likewise grown, matured and changed over the ten years of separation. I was wrong to assume anything. Turns out, I had to learn the lessons all over again. So that instead of writing a love story, what I was actually finishing is a horror/thriller ride.
It has finally come to an end.
I walk away licking my wounds once again. This is no call for sympathy, just a cautionary tale. Good guys easily become suckers. I fell for the damsel routine once. I didn’t believe I was falling for it again. I thought I had come back to find a strong, empowered woman who had discovered and learned to love herself. Instead, I found the same damsel whose victim game is well worn and tattered, who needs to learn to own up and lose the girl who cried wolf routine.
While no one can undo the damage to the little girl, the adult woman can decide to heal, forgive and move on. That’s what I have decided to do. I need to heal once again from the emotional scars that two trips down this road have left deep inside me.
This isn’t abandonment 2.0 regardless of what some others might believe. She never really wanted me here. She obviously wanted to continue punishing me for the sins of her father and the abusive men who came before me. Added to that she had a personal vendetta for what I “did to her” in 2014. This isn’t me leaving. It’s her pushing me out the door. She’s been doing it since June! I have all of the receipts in my journal.
I fought her on it the first few times in June/July, refusing to leave “her house.” Funny how she called it “Doyle Beach House,” in one breath and her place the next, threatening me with police-enforced eviction more than one time. When she did this again in August, I left. I never felt so liberated.
She used counseling to manipulate me back inside her world. She promised her counselor and I to never kick me out again. She kept her word on that. I was back to being “pawpaw” or her “hubby boy” within weeks. We celebrated my September birthday with a short cruise to Freeport.
Fast forward through two hurricanes and many fights later…
We were at a hotel in town where we chose to evacuate with our pets during Hurricane Milton. I once again made the mistake of pointing out her poor choices/bad behavior. The child lashed out again, leaving me there the night of landfall and telling me she didn’t care if she or our animals survived the night.
So she kept her word of never kicking me out. But giving up and leaving me is no different. Our relationship ended that night. I slept on the hotel room floor once she came to her senses and returned to safety. Once home, I was determined to leave her for good. It took weeks, but my plan eventually materialized.
Fast forward again to this past weekend. She attacked me for being the opposite of everything she typically says that I am, “her perfect man.” This is the game the narcissist plays with their narc supply—you are their hero one minute, Satan the next, there is no in between. I’ve suffered in this no-win situation far too long. I no longer want to be her hero, the villain OR the victim.
So I left.
Monday I packed my things and walked out the door. I’m never looking back. Narcissist abuse is real. My suffering was very real. Therapists will all tell you to cut off their supply and go no contact. That’s what I am doing.
No regrets and no shame. It was just another misadventure. It was a mistake I MADE TWICE! Never again.
(Edited and posted in Pittsburgh, PA)