HELL 2.0

That was the theme of my morning journal entry today, 12 Oct 2022.

Two-point-O, you ask?

Well, let me take you back to my blog post on the very last day of 2016, "Worst Year, EVER!" I'd call 2016 (technically the end of Nov 2015 through Oct 2016) "HELL 1.0!"

I lost my car and my license that year. I lost my job, then after a summer with my grieving father, it took me until the end of September 2016 to regain employment. That's when things finally began leveling off, but then I had to face the first anniversary of Mom's death over Thanksgiving Weekend. Needless to say, Thanksgiving is no longer a holiday for me. I could live without the reminder.

I don't remember 2017 being a whole lot better, then 2018 kinda sucked, until I moved back in with my girls post-Hurricane Michael in mid-October '18. Christmas was ok, though I think the girls spent the full two weeks out of school with their Mom in PCB. As I recall, 2019 was a blur with patches of homelessness, where I slept out on the street. That year ended with several of my friends struggling to kick flu-like symptoms FOR WEEKS (HELLO, COVID-19!!!), which our government tried to cover-up until the following Spring when the outbreak COULDN'T be ignored! So 2020 began with COVID, then George Floyd and racial unrest, but I was quarantined with my girls so the first half of that year sucked LESS than the previous four.

So why HELL 2.0 for the current year?

Well, let's back up to October 2021.

I get a call from my sister the morning of 4 Oct 21 that Dad's COVID-induced pneumonia seems to be letting up, he's breathing better than ever and seems to have turned a corner. He'd been hospitalized a few days with breathing difficulty. BUT by later that day, he nosedived and his condition was worse than before. That night, around 8:30, he was dead. "Turned the corner???"

Through the great kindness of a wonderful, new friend in Boulder, CO, I was able to fly home the following afternoon. Officially, the year of hell had begun.

We memorialized Dad, but not without major drama from some former siblings, one of whom I had to take to court to send a message. I'd rather not elaborate for fear I might throw this laptop out this second-story window!

By the time Christmas 2021 rolled around, I'd had enough. I was preparing my return to either Boulder or the beach. Then, in a state of unwellness, I did the opposite and stayed in Indiana, rekindling what I believed to be an old flame. Turns out, I was just horny.

That misstep led to FIVE MONTHS of misery. THAT's how my year, 2022, started. I was living in the trash heap of Evansville, IN, trying to make the best of it, pouring myself into genealogical research and visiting nearby family--that was the lone bright spot of the Winter/Spring 2022. But in that time, I burnt through most of my meager inheritance from Dad. I, again, had nothing--no car, no home...

I had to escape that frying pan for the fire at my sister's house. ABSOLUTE CHAOS!

I knew this about my sister's living situation, but what was I to do? Go immediately back to Boulder?

My relationship with my girls was already on life support...I don't know why, honestly. That left me no real reason to go back to Boulder...so BEACH it was!

Only my sister needed me...and begged me to come back and make some semblance of order out of her chaotic existence. It was above my paygrade. I failed. That's not a word that's been part of my lexicon much since 2001. I don't like it. I like even less to have to admit failure. But that's what 2022 has been--one after the other!

I was looking to escape to Fort Myers Beach as early as June of this year. I floundered, began struggling again with depression, barely able to grieve my father's death for MONTHS! I was miserable.

It's worth noting here that being ORPHANED, no matter your age, is no easy thing to wrestle or come to grips with. I turned 54 in September. I hate being an orphan!! I lost the parents who not only raised me, but we GREW UP TOGETHER! And to make matters worse, I have no reliable siblings now, either. I'm a man without a family. And since my girls have ghosted me--at 18 and 21--I really feel like a ship without a home and without a rudder.

I'm adrift...

Adding to that helpless feeling, my beach, the one I was to go back to in June, then August, then September? IT WAS DECIMATED BY HURRICANE IAN ON SEPT. 28TH!!! How's that for a kicker???

I was literally looking at transportation costs on the day of my birthday, exactly two weeks earlier, then Ian hit...OF ALL PLACES!!! FMB took the brunt of 12-15 feet of storm surge and brutal 100mph+ winds, sustained. The beach now lies in ruins. I had my best friends down there ride it out in their stilted home. It barely escaped destruction. Their business was not so lucky.

I still plan to go back there, but there is no water, no power and parts of the island are inaccessible due to massive piles of debris, downed trees and power lines. It could be a month before power is restored.

Yeah, this year (Oct 2021 - Present) has sucked JUST AS BAD as 2016!!!
I cannot imagine Hell being much worse.

Signed,
Rudderless in 2022