What's happening RIGHT NOW?

I have situational depression. It doesn’t make me suicidal. It just takes me to a bad headspace and holds me captive for a time. It doesn’t last, however, the depression usually fades just as quick as it rushes in. My best defense is to stay in the present. Like Eckhart Tolle preaches and even wrote in his book “The Power of NOW“ your problems that you perceive to exist in the present don’t really exist in the present moment. When you stop and look around, where are they? Simply put, in your mind. And I'm either looking back at something that has happened moments ago, weeks ago or years ago or I’m looking ahead to what I perceive will happen in the next moments, weeks, months or years. And the mystics and sages tell us that "to live in the past is depression, to live in the future is anxiety." That’s why Tolle preaches to stay in the now.

And I haven’t read his book. I have watched tons of his lectures online and I know this principal. It bears out. It is true. #TRUTH

My problems, whatever they are, do not exist in the present moment. At the present, I am breathing, I am alive, I am present and aware of my breath, my internal environment and my surroundings. Just taking that momentary inventory is enough to tell me, nothing is threatening me at this very moment. There is no black bear hovering over me ready to devour me. So why do I act as if there is??? That black bear, as fictional in this moment as my perceived problems, does not exist. I am not in imminent danger. Nothing is wrong right this second. It's only in my mind.

Where does worry and anxiety exist? Only in our minds. Where does my depression exist? Only in my mind. Well, don't we have control over our minds??? If not, who does? Who controls our present if not us?

That's the place where you discover that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM! It's not your circumstance, your situation or anyone else in your life. It's YOU! You got yourself into the predicament you are in, whether you caused it or not, you reacted to it. Who controls your reaction? Who regulates your emotions? YOU DO!

So if you come to that point of discovering, I AM THE PROBLEM! Then what are you going to do about it? Fix it or ignore it, hoping it passes?

Nothing in you will change unless you change it.

If you find yourself spiralling with worry, doubt, anxiety or depression. Stop and take stock of everything around you. Are you still breathing? Is the bear hovering and ready to devour? Then where is the perceived threat? Somewhere in your past? Somewhere in your future? Has your crystal ball EVER been that accurate? Or do things typically work themselves out?

I live on a barrier island that was wiped out just 25 months ago by Hurricane Ian. The survivors here remember the fear of death like it happened to them yesterday. They suffer PTSD, which is totally understandable. But Ian didn't happen to them yesterday. It's not going to happen tomorrow. Chances are, in their lifetime, they'll never face another devastating, life-altering storm like that.

So what "Ians" are we facing? Am I facing...right now or in the future? Probably none. Again, it was a once-in-a-lifetime storm that, fortunately, I did not go through. Can I sympathize with my neighbors here. YOU BETCHA! Is their PTSD real and rooted in a past traumatic event. ABSOLUTELY! But do they have to live in fear for the rest of their lifes. NO! That trauma lies in their past and only truly exists in their memories of that day 25 months ago.

Look, nothing that happened 25 months ago, 45 years ago or even an hour ago has to effect you right now, in the present! You can let it if you want to, but you have complete control. That's not to discount the lingering effects of trauma, PTSD or past experiences. But the reality is, they are no more a threat to you right now, in this moment, than the make believe black bear in my living room. It doesn't threaten you right now. The 18-feet of storm surge isn't taking your foundation out from under you RIGHT NOW! So why act as though it is?

BE PRESENT.

Don't let anxiety about future perceived problems or obstacles get in the way of your life today. Don't let current circumstances overwhelm you. They don't have power over you. Regulate your emotional reactions to whatever it is that's really going on, or just going on in your brain. That's where your control is, over your reaction to it. Why are you overreacting, or wasting any energy or brainpower whatsoever on something that MIGHT occur in the future, whether it's another major hurricane or a shortage of income? Whether it's a near-death car accident or a hangnail? Can you control either, or stop them from happening, with worry? NO! You're just taking precious years off your life. That's all worry does.

That's self-defeating. To continue down the path of worry and slowly killing yourself. Other living things in the animal kingdom don't do that!

What is threatening you right now? If you're not sliding across the median into oncoming traffic as you read this, why are you worrying about that accident that COULD happen but is not happening now? If the bear isn't standing in your living room ready to pounce, why are you acting as if he is, scared to make one false move. JUST BREATHE! Your problems only exist in your brain. Somehow, you'll find a way to pay that bill from your shrinking bank account, even if you have to "rob Peter to pay Paul." I've been there many times. I have the overdraft receipts to prove it. Those times of worry and doubt or doing without DIDN'T KILL ME!

I've even lived homeless for a time. Did it kill me? NO! I'm here writing about it. I actually thrived in that inhospitable, unsafe environment around drug addicts, perverts and the mentally unstable. We are animals built to survive. We don't need all the creature comforts we've come to enjoy, but we believe we need them to survive. We don't. We need air, water and something to eat. That's how animals survive in the wild. And they don't kill themselves early by worrying about it.

Why am I posting all this. I'm not preaching to anyone. This is my present reality. I'm sitting on my couch, in my living room (creature comforts that don't keep me alive) with this laptop on my lap, writing about where I am at. I've been struggling for weeks with situational depression. I put a video by Eckhart Tolle on the television, using the YouTube App on FireTV (more creature comforts that don't keep me breathing) and that's what led to this entire post. It was for me, primarily.

I am a student of this shit. I have gone deep many times to rediscover myself, who I am at my core. But I still struggle up here at the surface ALL THE DAMN TIME! I'm not perfect. But I do know who I AM. I just need to be reminded over and over and over...because I am human. I have tendancies. They don't always serve me well. But tapping back into SOURCE and finding myself in the deep, does help me to survive...sometimes on the daily. Often times, moment to moment, like Bob Wiley "baby steppin." Baby steps back to the present. Baby steps back to who I know that I AM. Seriously, I have to get that rudimentary.

Nothing in my present situation is killing me. There are no current threats to my life or safety in this present moment. Stay tuned.

I don't remember when I created this graphic, but I go back to it all the damn time!

HELL 2.0

That was the theme of my morning journal entry today, 12 Oct 2022.

Two-point-O, you ask?

Well, let me take you back to my blog post on the very last day of 2016, "Worst Year, EVER!" I'd call 2016 (technically the end of Nov 2015 through Oct 2016) "HELL 1.0!"

I lost my car and my license that year. I lost my job, then after a summer with my grieving father, it took me until the end of September 2016 to regain employment. That's when things finally began leveling off, but then I had to face the first anniversary of Mom's death over Thanksgiving Weekend. Needless to say, Thanksgiving is no longer a holiday for me. I could live without the reminder.

I don't remember 2017 being a whole lot better, then 2018 kinda sucked, until I moved back in with my girls post-Hurricane Michael in mid-October '18. Christmas was ok, though I think the girls spent the full two weeks out of school with their Mom in PCB. As I recall, 2019 was a blur with patches of homelessness, where I slept out on the street. That year ended with several of my friends struggling to kick flu-like symptoms FOR WEEKS (HELLO, COVID-19!!!), which our government tried to cover-up until the following Spring when the outbreak COULDN'T be ignored! So 2020 began with COVID, then George Floyd and racial unrest, but I was quarantined with my girls so the first half of that year sucked LESS than the previous four.

So why HELL 2.0 for the current year?

Well, let's back up to October 2021.

I get a call from my sister the morning of 4 Oct 21 that Dad's COVID-induced pneumonia seems to be letting up, he's breathing better than ever and seems to have turned a corner. He'd been hospitalized a few days with breathing difficulty. BUT by later that day, he nosedived and his condition was worse than before. That night, around 8:30, he was dead. "Turned the corner???"

Through the great kindness of a wonderful, new friend in Boulder, CO, I was able to fly home the following afternoon. Officially, the year of hell had begun.

We memorialized Dad, but not without major drama from some former siblings, one of whom I had to take to court to send a message. I'd rather not elaborate for fear I might throw this laptop out this second-story window!

By the time Christmas 2021 rolled around, I'd had enough. I was preparing my return to either Boulder or the beach. Then, in a state of unwellness, I did the opposite and stayed in Indiana, rekindling what I believed to be an old flame. Turns out, I was just horny.

That misstep led to FIVE MONTHS of misery. THAT's how my year, 2022, started. I was living in the trash heap of Evansville, IN, trying to make the best of it, pouring myself into genealogical research and visiting nearby family--that was the lone bright spot of the Winter/Spring 2022. But in that time, I burnt through most of my meager inheritance from Dad. I, again, had nothing--no car, no home...

I had to escape that frying pan for the fire at my sister's house. ABSOLUTE CHAOS!

I knew this about my sister's living situation, but what was I to do? Go immediately back to Boulder?

My relationship with my girls was already on life support...I don't know why, honestly. That left me no real reason to go back to Boulder...so BEACH it was!

Only my sister needed me...and begged me to come back and make some semblance of order out of her chaotic existence. It was above my paygrade. I failed. That's not a word that's been part of my lexicon much since 2001. I don't like it. I like even less to have to admit failure. But that's what 2022 has been--one after the other!

I was looking to escape to Fort Myers Beach as early as June of this year. I floundered, began struggling again with depression, barely able to grieve my father's death for MONTHS! I was miserable.

It's worth noting here that being ORPHANED, no matter your age, is no easy thing to wrestle or come to grips with. I turned 54 in September. I hate being an orphan!! I lost the parents who not only raised me, but we GREW UP TOGETHER! And to make matters worse, I have no reliable siblings now, either. I'm a man without a family. And since my girls have ghosted me--at 18 and 21--I really feel like a ship without a home and without a rudder.

I'm adrift...

Adding to that helpless feeling, my beach, the one I was to go back to in June, then August, then September? IT WAS DECIMATED BY HURRICANE IAN ON SEPT. 28TH!!! How's that for a kicker???

I was literally looking at transportation costs on the day of my birthday, exactly two weeks earlier, then Ian hit...OF ALL PLACES!!! FMB took the brunt of 12-15 feet of storm surge and brutal 100mph+ winds, sustained. The beach now lies in ruins. I had my best friends down there ride it out in their stilted home. It barely escaped destruction. Their business was not so lucky.

I still plan to go back there, but there is no water, no power and parts of the island are inaccessible due to massive piles of debris, downed trees and power lines. It could be a month before power is restored.

Yeah, this year (Oct 2021 - Present) has sucked JUST AS BAD as 2016!!!
I cannot imagine Hell being much worse.

Signed,
Rudderless in 2022