The Illusion of Control

I have a friend who is a chronic worrier. She blogged about it yesterday and my comment went as follows:

I think that I have a normal amount of anxiety about things. I’m certainly not an over-worrier, but I do overthink things a lot, so I can sorta relate. What it boils down to for me is CONTROL. Worry gives us a false sense of it. Many things that we do or believe give us the same false sense of control. Because bottom line is, we don’t. We control our attitude, our thoughts, our emotions and our actions ( to varying degrees of success :D ), but that’s about it. I realized a couple of years ago that I really only control the space immediately around my person. I can put one foot in front of the other, but by the time I take the next breath, make the next move, I could drop dead from an aneurysm ( somewhat fatalistic, I know ). But it helps give me perspective. I can control my breathing, I can remain aware of my surroundings and avoid pitfalls, control how I perceive things, but I can’t control outcomes, other people, the unknown… That helps me to keep a healthy balance, knowing realistically what I control…and it’s not much!

I have been thinking that lately the blood is increasing
The tourniquet's not keeping hold in spite of our twisting
Though we would like to believe we are
We are not in control
Though we would love to believe

(D. Matthews, "Dive In" lyrics)

As Dave Matthew's sings, "We are not in control though we would love to believe." And many people do believe they have control--control over situations and circumstances, control over others, control over outcomes--but as Science Daily points out, the "Illusion of control is the tendency for human beings to believe they can control or at least influence outcomes that they demonstrably have no influence over." So for instance, you're in conflict with a friend, a partner or lover and you are trying desperately to smooth things over, so maybe you hold back, tell a partial truth or try in some way to protect their feelings. In reality, you don't want to give over control to that person, allow them to have the information (the whole truth), to process it and to react. It could be that you're afraid of the reaction, so you control the information to try and control the outcome.

It's no different than the chronic worrier who somehow tricks herself into believing that all that worry is going to better prepare her to face some perceived difficulty or potential tragedy. It won't. Worry doesn't produce positive results. It's basically a waste of time. Same goes for the person who tries to control outcomes. It actually inhibits the other person, it doesn't help them. If you feel that you're trying to protect them (i.e. act in their best interest), what you're probably doing is trying to protect yourself and serve your own self-interest. It's counterproductive.

Best-selling author Brene Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” To allow someone else the freedom to respond however they respond to new information, to have feelings, to be heard and validated for those feelings takes vulnerability. If you believe you can control their response (i.e. control the outcome of the exchange or dialogue), then you are not operating from a place of vulnerability, therefore, you are not fully engaged and connected to that person. It's a complete illusion if you believe you can control the outcome, somehow. You don't control other people. You only control you.

Some people seem addicted to this illusion. They refuse to give up control. It would somehow put them in a place of inferiority. But the truth is, none of us have control--not over others, not over the unknown, not over outcomes. Embracing that reality and letting go of the illusion is a place of freedom. The illusion never gave you any real control, anyway. It was a lie you kept telling yourself.

I was a control-freak for a very long time. I always wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it and I wanted it my way...always. I had ways of manipulating people or forcing my will, my beliefs onto them so that I'd hold the power in the relationship. Amazing how many of those relationships either faded away or ended badly. They weren't real, lasting connections. They were simply power trips.

I thought I was in control of my life. I thought I had enough information (like you can ever know enough) to be in full control of my future, my spiritual life, my marriage, my other relationships. I was very egotistical and proud. My feet got knocked out from under me more times than I could count. Each time, I was reminded that I'm actually not in control. Quite humbling.

Humility is a great starting point, a teachable moment. I learned a lot from having my house of cards fall to the ground. I've had to return to humility too many times to count. And I'm sure that I will again. But humility and vulnerability are where I feel most real, authentic and connected to humankind. The vanquishing of that illusion of control has freed my mind. I've willingly let go of it. It did not serve me well, at all. It never really gave me control of anything.

Like I told my friend, the worrier, I can only control me--what I think, how I handle new information, my reaction, my choices and decisions. I need to let go of everything and everyone else and just control my mind and emotions. Be honest. Be authentic. Be humble and kind (as the song goes). Embrace vulnerability and have real connection with others. I hope this makes sense and maybe even resonates with some of you. Love, light and peace, my friends.

Mind-cleansing walks in Springtime bring about control

I've been saying the Serenity Prayer a lot, lately. Not the verbatim prayer (at left) that you'll hear at most A.A. meetings or self-help groups. No, I've just uttered some version of that prayer nearly everyday. It has helped.

STAYING POSITIVE

I've been taking walks around the lake in our neighborhood, enjoying the Spring weather here in Tallahassee. The mild temps, sunshine and fresh air are good for my soul. The walks are good for my body. The Serenity Prayer and the reaffirming self-speak have done wonders for my mind and emotions. The last few days, I've been referring to these walks--2.5 to 4 miles--as mind-cleansing walks. And they have been. It's been my chance to center myself in the middle of the day.

The last year has been a grueling one. I'd even argue that it's been one of my worst, possibly second all-time. I've survived a divorce, a failed relationship, an extended separation from my children and other minor set-backs along the way. I've always heard what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, but that hasn't necessarily been the case except for in my darkest times.

I did come out of a severe depression in 2000 much stronger, but still battled many of my demons. I even survived a suicide attempt at the end of that year. A few months later, I was restarting my life in a new house and about to adopt my first baby. I learned a lot about myself in that year of about-face orientation. I still had a lot to learn and I'm not always the easiest student. I can be quite stubborn and hard-headed.

A look at Springtime Azaleas in bloom all around my
Tallahassee neighborhood

After some serious setbacks in 2006 and 2008, I was still determined to maintain my course even if I wasn't headed in the right direction. Fast forward to 2013 and circumstances tried to kick me down again. Out of that tumultuous year, I do believe that I have emerged even stronger still. So maybe it has taken several years and a couple of really bad ones to get my attention, but I have learned and grown.

It's been on these mind-cleansing walks that I've seen the most evidence. Take today, for instance, I put into practice the learned art of self-compassion. I walked 2 miles around that lake, speaking affirming words to myself that entire time. Thankfully, I didn't encounter too many others on the walking path. After a rough and emotional morning, it was the perfect therapy for me.

I read a book about self-compassion in December 2012 and it was quite eye-opening for me, but I won't repost here what you can read in my blog entry here. Suffice to say, that this was quite an accomplishment for me, and putting it into practice today made me realize just how far I've come since 2000. There was still so much critical energy, so much pessimism and self-doubt in me even after I recovered from my depressive episode. It took years to finally overcome that, and I still struggle with it.

LEARNING CONTROL

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou

It was just a few days ago on one of my mind-cleansing walks that I accepted an important truth and slayed an age-old myth. That myth is the one that convinces us we are in control. As I was contemplating this blog post, I ran across another good one by a dog trainer in Texas. He talks about The Control Myth and how it skews our thinking (Note: this is more than a blog about dogs, so take a minute to read it, it's really good).

The important truth that I realized on my walk is that I can only control three things--my actions, my attitude and all that goes on between my ears. I like to draw a small circle just in front of me when I'm walking and talking to myself (I know I must look crazy, but I don't care what people think of me). I make that circular motion with my hand and remind myself, "This is the extent of my sphere of control."

I can't control anything beyond that sphere, that in reality, encompasses only my body and nothing outside of it. I can't control people, the weather, circumstances, other's perceptions of reality, etc. I can only control me, and more importantly, what's going on inside of me.

This afternoon, I also ran across this cool little series on WikiHow about gaining control of your emotions. That one, for me, is huge, also. I was on my walk yesterday, a four-mile round trip to Publix, when I really had to do some digging to realize what was wrong with me. The day had started off rather pleasantly, then I let myself get upset about things outside my control. I went on my walk thinking I just needed to be more positive. Well, I realized after some digging why I was upset and allowed myself to just be upset for awhile longer. My feelings had been hurt, so it was okay...not to be okay. After realizing the root of the issue, I dealt with those negative feelings and then got past them, giving myself permission to go there and then walk out of it. That's an example of controlling your emotions. It doesn't mean allow only the positive ones. It allows space for all emotions to grow and subside.

For me, the control comes in when I deal in a healthy way with all my emotions. I don't bottle any of them up or try to stifle the painful ones. I just let them breathe. I go outside and try to focus on the beauty of nature. I try to live in the here and now, focusing only on my present surroundings. I breathe deeply and listen to my heartbeat. I try to keep my wandering mind in check. The last couple of days this has worked well for me.

As I continue this crazy, out of control journey called Life, I hope to gain more control over the things I actually have the power to do so. I will continue to let go of the things and people that I cannot, thereby denying the myth. I will continue to love and affirm myself in order to maintain a positive attitude. I will not be reduced, as Maya Angelou said in the above quote, by all the events that happen to me. I will stay rooted in reality.

Drawing a small circle around me, I can only control this area right here. :)