Humility Speaks Volumes

I have been talking about humility a lot lately. I think that it has fallen on deaf ears, but it's something I've studied, before as a student of religion, as a leader of men on retreat weekends--I wrote about that here.

I've actually written quite a bit on this blog about Humility. But in the post, above, from March 2014, I'd just gotten out of a committed relationship and returned to Tallahassee to be with my girls full-time. In reading the post, it was very beautifully moving and emotional for me to read, but I just wish I had followed my own advice. Life just sometimes gets in the way. Circumstances and situations arise that take us out of our peace and we become reactive. We often react out of stress or anger or whatever, and we don't always choose humility.

But we always come back to it.

When I wrote that post in March 2014, my girls were 9 and 12. My oldest was about to become a teenager...and my biggest challenge. We went through some rough years while she was in high school and the three of us were living in their mother's townhouse. I remember the most heated exchange we ever had was one night when she was probably 17. She was in charge of dinner, but only as a result of not doing dishes the night before. That was my rule. If it's your night for dishes and you choose to put them off, they are expected to be washed and put away before dinner the next night. On this occasion, they were not. One thing led to another, and I let myself work up a load of steam before she triggered me and I flew off the handle, cussing and slamming a pot of sauce on the floor to make a point. It was an overreaction, to be sure. She left the house saying she couldn't live there with me anymore. Her's was a typical teenager overreaction, but I did not stop her. Before we went to bed that night, me in her bed and her at her best friend's house, we spoke by phone and each of us apologized for our overreactions and our part in creating the drama.

So even in our worst moment as parent-child, we came back to our senses and back to common ground. It takes humility to admit when you are wrong. So even if I didn't model it perfectly at all times, like I wrote that I would on this blog, I hope that they came away understanding that life principal. Being humble with people, especially those you love, can express to them how important they are to you. Like the last act of Jesus for his disciples, stooping down to wash their dusty, dirty feet. Humility that speaks love.

I've made so many mistakes in relationship, too many to count. But I still understand humility. Even when I don't show it, I always come back to it. In situations where I've been wronged, repeatedly, I still find a way back to humility. Even when I know that I was wronged, and I was right to call out the offender, I have humbled myself in order to preserve the relationship. It was a tough lesson that I learned from living with my Dad.

Dad grew up in a home where you had to PROVE you were right on any given topic. His surviving siblings will tell you stories of them taking dictionaries and thesauruses to the dinner table to "win" a debate with their father. They've all told the stories and bear the scars. In fact, James H. Doyle, my grandfather, was nicknamed "Preacher" in high school. No wonder where my Dad gets it. He's never wrong. And don't expect him to admit it, either. But when being "right" comes at the expense of those you love, by hurting them with your judgy nonsense, then what good is being right all the time? Where is the prize for that?

It used to infuriate me when my father would constantly argue with family members over things consequential--politics and religion--or inconsequential, like how to cook something properly. It was always HIS WAY OR THE HIGHWAY! There's only one right way (and perhaps there is for some things) and he's going to be sure to tell you what that is. He was an expert on things, just ask him. Well, no one was willing to bring a Bible, a law book, a medical journal, a dictionary or thesaurus because he'd even argue that THEY were wrong! He was always right.

There is no prize for always being right. Your ego can take the blow of being wrong once in awhile. You might serve the higher purpose of fostering relationship and peace in the home over being "right." But that would take humility. And so I would often challenge my dad, "Are you really wanting to be right on this? Or do you want to have relationship?" Because I could see him pushing away all of those he loved most dearly, over his ego and being right. Aren't those we love worthy of a little of our humility?

It takes humility to give second, third and fourth chances, but you are capable. I found I was until I hit my limit. After choosing relationship over being right a number of times, I had to stop and ask myself is this humility or is it foolishness. So I point blank asked my partner, when is it YOUR TURN to act humbly and choose US over your ego? Will you ever humble yourself and just say, "You know what? You're right. And I love you more than I love being 'right' all the time."

It's not always easy, but it's right.

That was my aim in 2014. Yes, I'm human and I fell short, but I do hope I imparted that lesson to my daughters. I feel that I failed to impart it to my partner. She just shat all over the idea, arguing with me until I gave up and left.

March 2014, meet October 2024.

Perspective, Ego and Growth

In this ever expanding Universe, we are not even a grain of sand or a blip on the cosmic radar. We are truly insignificant in the galactic view of our reality...if we can call reality, reality. Isn't it just our perception of it? Are we but a dream on the tip of consciousness?

PERSPECTIVE
I think that is one thing which comes with age. And with it, comes some humility. That reminds me of a post by the Power of Positivity's Instagram Account:

I hope that's where I was going with my STILL GROWING AT 54 post. Life does have a way of bringing you back to humility. When your ego gets away with you, something inevitably happens to bring perspective back to you.

At my age, I still have things to learn and time to grow. But I'm definitely on the downhill slope on the backside of my life. Again, perspective.

I know that I'm not destined to live forever. Age is already showing in my joints, my libido, my energy levels. That's not to say that I'm done...just dying. I mean, we are all destined to become dust and rejoin the cosmos from whence we came.

The life hack is making the most of this finite journey -- enjoying the short time we exist in these mortal vessels.

I have to remind myself all the time to be present. "Quit looking back and looking forward all the time," I tell myself. The present moment is the only "reality" we have. Everything else merely lives in our mind, whether past or future.

Here's another meme I found recently that I really like:

If we're constantly in a state of looking back, living our past life over and over, how do we attain growth? There's no reason to stay in the past. We are evolving creatures. Evolution has been happening for eons. "None of us are the same as we were yesterday."

It takes intention to stay present, to be in the now. Like most, I struggle to control the random thoughts that pop in and out of my head. Eckhart Tolle refers to this as the unconscious mind. It distracts us. It goes to our ego, that sense of self that is the "sum total of our experiences." But we're not bound by our ego or the unconscious mind. 

I'm trying to go with consciousness. I want to be intentional. I desire continued growth.

Part of that growth is releasing others from their past sins. I can't hold others in the past, either. I must allow them room to grow and change. They deserve the same grace I give myself. But vulnerability is hard. Letting go of the hurt and moving past it requires the same intention as presence. It also requires the loosening of ego's control. "But they did that to ME!" Really, was your ego so bruised that you cannot forgive and let go? You've done the same to others and you expect to be forgiven. Live and let live, I guess is what I'm going for.

Ok, enough rambling for today. This was as much written for myself as anyone else.

We are all stardust...and to the cosmos we will return.

Serendipity...hope.

I am hoping for serendipity to take hold.

If two planets are met to collide, is there anything on this Earth, or within the realm of human possibilities, that can stop this cosmic intent?

In the not-so-distant past, I believed that someone very special was brought into my galaxy. I thought about the two of us as planets orbiting in very close proximity. I believed that we were on a crash course brought forth by destiny, or you might call it serendipity. For I never saw it coming. I certainly wasn't looking for it.

In this twist of fate that even I couldn't have written in a romance novel, I found this person orbiting in my galaxy. She was within reach. She was BEYOND anything that I could have hoped for, or even dreamed possible.

Circumstances forced me far away from her, but she was never out of my mind. Though, I sought to replace her, erased her photos from my phone, even wrote her a card basically wishing her a nice life...still...

Last night, she came to me in a dream. We hit it off like old friends. She was as familiar to me as a favorite sweatshirt when the crisp fall air of November requires an extra layer of warmth. And she fit right in with my family, as if hand to glove.

I don't put too much stock in dreams, but this was evidence of my subconscious stirring. She's always been there. Stirring. In the background.

Back when we were orbiting, I felt that it was a sure thing. Circumstance and perfect timing put us in each other's pathway. We struck a chord immediately and became good friends, but had to keep a professional distance. Secretly, we communicated electronically and shared some laughs and some tears, our joys and frustrations. In my mind's eye, I could see us planning a future together. I even prayed for guidance--to my ancestors, to the stars, to anyone "out there" listening.

There was one night in particular, I will never forget. Lying on my back in the late summer grass, looking up at a multitude of stars, I was overcome with a moment of humility and gratefulness. I thanked the Universe for being so gracious and kind to me, serendipitous, if you will. At that point in time, I just knew our two orbits would some day collide. It was written in the stars. We were on a very similar timeline, and in a similar situation in life.

So now that I am some distance away, and I've basically removed myself from her life, does that space, distance or time really mean anything? Is there really anything I could do to thwart the hand of fate? I was kind in my letter to her and I wished her nothing but the best.

But if my instincts were right, she hasn't written me off or forgotten about me. If we were meant to find each other at the most unexpected time and place, and our future is already written cosmically, is there any force on Earth that can stop that from coming to fruition? I can't fathom that there is.

Yet, it seems so wildly speculative and unimaginable at this particular juncture.

My plan is to live in Florida at the coast. Her's, as far as I could tell, was to live on the opposite coast. Will we somehow find our way back to each other? Only time will tell.

Today, all I can do is hope.

Serendipity...that's my hope.

Love by example

When I was much younger and thought I had it all figured out, I was asked to give a talk on leaders to a group of men on a spiritual retreat. I used as the basis for my outline a book by Andrew Murray, titled Humility. Based on the wisdom of Philippians 2, this book lays out the simple life matrix of considering others before yourself, of loving sacrificially. And in the case of leaders, I argued, it means leading by example.

As I was making my morning pot of coffee, I was thinking about my girls who lay in their beds asleep, taking full advantage of the fact that it's spring break and they have no reason for which to set their alarms. In all my life, I've never taken to the concept of sacrificial love or employed it as I have with them. Those two precious souls are the lights of my life! I'd do anything for them, short of remarrying their mother. I'd step in front of a moving train if it meant saving their lives. I'd fight off a pack of hungry wolves, take a bullet or hurl myself into a raging sea...but most fathers would do the same.

It was while pouring my first cup of coffee that I had this thought about loving sacrificially and displaying that gift before my girls. Just as any leader would do, blazing a trail with his actions, not only his words, I determined that I would continue loving them by example.

In my doing so, they will not only see and feel what love is, they will come to understand a very key element to life. There are things in this life much bigger than us. Love, for example. Love is a transcendent concept. It is as critical to human beings as the air they breathe. But it is not just a bunch of sentimental ideas meant to make us feel good. It is tangible and real. It is meant to be experienced--touched by all of our senses and not just our hearts. It's more than a bunch of words in a blog or on a greeting card. It's in the mundane details of life, like a simple meal.

My youngest always tells me that the single most important ingredient in every meal I cook for her is love. She's only 9 and she's as wise as the Buddha. It's love.

Love, expressed in such a way that leaves no doubt in the person's mind, is the kind that is lived out daily. It might be secured with frequent confirming messages. "I love you," is something we don't say nearly enough. But it is amplified to soul-shattering levels when acted out in humility.

Back to the men's retreat some 20+ years ago and I'm talking about leading by example. I was telling the men to be the kind of leaders that the author Andrew Murray would be proud to write a book about, men who lead by humility, kinda like the guys who were serving on that retreat weekend as toilet scrubbers. Some of the dorm-keepers on that weekend were accountants, attorneys, sales executives and corporate leaders, yet they didn't think it beneath them to scrub a dirty toilet. And why did they do it? To show the other guys, not just about leadership, but about love.

Thinking back on that this morning, I came to realize that I've been loving my girls by example. I am their pack leader and that's my job. Upon that realization, I searched the web for an image that said "love by example" and the image at the top of this blog post is what I found. I obviously wasn't the first person to think of it, but I'm glad that I did. It's a transcendent concept. And in 45 years on this Earth, I've learned that not everyone gets it. Not everyone lives by the rule of humility, or understands what it means to sacrificially love someone else. I'm reminded by my daughters all the time what that means. And I'm committed to doing my best to love them by example.

My Ragamuffin Confessional

Brennan Manning says,

The ministry of evangelization is an extraordinary opportunity of showing gratitude to Jesus by passing on His gospel of grace to others...To evangelize a person is to say to him or her, You, too, are loved by God in the Lord Jesus. And not only to say it but to really think it and relate it to the man or woman so they can sense it. This is what it means to announce the Good News. But that becomes possible only by offering the person your friendship--a friendship that is real, unselfish, without condescension, full of confidence, and profound esteem (The Ragamuffin Gospel, p.124).

I first blogged about this last year in a rant titled A Ragamuffin Reality, but the last part of the quote struck me again just recently.

I've been discussing with some friends online what it means to be a friend, to be a Christian and to know Jesus. And while I don't pretend to have all the answers, I do think that relationships are key to experiencing and knowing God. I don't mean some fantastical relationship with an unseen deity. I believe we can find God by investigating the people around us and investing in relationship.

A relationship takes initiative, trust and the ability to listen. Too often, I'm too lazy to make the initial investment. The first step in any effort is usually the toughest for me. But once I take that step, I have to then fight through the fear of being discovered. Trust is not an easy barrier to overcome, especially when your confidence is low. And once the first two barriers are broken through, I find myself doing a lot of talking and not enough active listening.

A relationship requires that I let down my guard. Letting my guard down requires some semblance of humility. Humility proves that I don't have it all together and runs counter to my nature...but it runs right to the core of Christ's nature, who being in very nature God did not consider equality with God something to be grasped (Paul's Epistle to the Philippians).

If only I could mirror that kind of humility in my own life.

Are you a ragamuffin like me? Do you struggle with relationships? Do you often fail at living the Good News?