So in my last blog post in March of this year, I wrote about important life decisions, like should I stay or should I go [Cue The Clash]. Well, the same special person who inspired that post, has me at it again...this time about love. Oh, and I've decided to stay.
Our very first concepts of love must be rooted in the care and nurture of our parents from birth. Once we are of age to conceptualize the idea, we've had years of physical touch, coddling and affirmation. But as we grow, we can sometimes forget that love starts with self.
I forgot this for many years. I craved attention, physical touch and all the things that spoke love to me--AFFIRMATION, that's a big one for me (and a lot of men, I've learned)--but I had a very critical nature. I was my own worst critic. After years of tearing myself down, giving no room to myself for growth and making typical mistakes, I really did not like myself very much. This came to a head in my 30's. I downright despised myself.
Thankfully, that was just a dark period...which we won't go into. As I approached my 40's, and realized I was just human, I began to cut myself a little slack. Then, after my marriage crumbled, I had all this time on my hands. I did a lot of reading and soul-searching. I was 43 about to be 44, the Summer of 2012. With my wife and kids several states away, I had time on the beach to do a lot of both. The watershed moment came when I found a book at the Fort Myers Beach Public Library titled, "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion," by Dr. Christopher Germer.
This book was transformational.
I began to see myself again as a little child. I began to cut myself way more slack and speak to myself as if I still was that frightened little boy. I found so much grace and mercy. I learned the effects of years of negative self-speak and I determined to change my inner dialogue. The Summer of 2014, I decided to start loving myself.
It's been seven years since then.
I really do see myself in a totally different light. I give myself all the grace in the world for being human. I laugh at the silly little mistakes now instead of beating myself up internally. Life has become so much sweeter to me as a result. Problems tend to roll off my back instead of becoming insurmountable obstacles.
Now, I still get overwhelmed at times. I still don't know how I'm going to overcome everyday obstacles from time to time, especially when 3-4 "must conquers" pile up. I still obsess over shortcomings and failures. But the biggest change in this "coming of age," has been NOT FEELING LIKE A FAILURE. I don't allow any of my shortcomings, my procrastination or my mini-failures to define me. These human foibles don't make me a "failure." They make me human. And I'm okay with that.
All that to say that I now love myself. And that's huge. If you don't love yourself, you have nothing to give to others. You are deficient in the "love quotient." Many of us are. We just haven't mastered the art of positive self-speak, i.e. self-compassion. Thank God, it took me 40+ years, but I did!
Now that I love myself and know how to allow myself room for error, I am able to do the same for others. That nurture that I learned as an infant, I can now pass along to others, to see them as hurting young children. I can now give love because I know love, at a cellular level.
Thank you to the special someone who I mentioned at the outset, for speaking my love language, affirming me and reminding me that I'm worthy of love. I have a lot of love to give because of the fact that love starts with oneself. I love myself, therefore, I have (in Dr. Gary Chapman's words) a full love tank from which to share with others. That's another good self-help book, Chapman's "The Five Love Languages," so add that and Germer's "The Mindful Path..." to your reading list, please.
Love yourself first. That's the moral of this blog. Once you've filled up your own tank, you have plenty to go 'round.
