Communicating with Dad

I celebrated my 53rd birthday without a lot of fanfare. I didn't even hear from my immediate family--daughters yes--not Dad, not Keely...they had forgotten. :(

So I reached out to Dad by text at almost 9 p.m. Here was his text response:

I started to send you a Happy Birthday wish a couple of times and got distracted...

The next day we texted again, as he'd received a piece of mail for me at his house. That was 7:25 p.m. on September 12, 2021. A few days later, we had a text convo about a movie I knew he'd like about the explosion of music in the late 60's out of Laurel Canyon, CA. He'd seen the trailer for "Echo In the Canyon," and had plans to watch it, but never got the chance. A couple of weeks later, he was sick with COVID-19.

Monday, 9/27, Dad had gone to St. Vincent's for pneumonia-like symptoms like those he'd suffered just before Father's Day Weekend the year before. That time it was bacterial pneumonia, easily treated. This time it was viral. It would kill him within a week. I asked if he was ok that evening. By 8 p.m., he knew that he was COVID positive and texted me back. I followed up with texts the next afternoon and the following day. Wednesday, 9/29, was our last text communication...our last communication ever.

After receiving my sister's update on Dad's progress at St. Vincent, Carmel, where he'd been hospitalized since Thursday 9/30, I texted one last message at 12:47 p.m. "You still with us?"

It was around that time that I made a post to Facebook, then penned the poem for Dad that I shared at his memorial service (a post for a future date).

Dad died at 8:30 that night. Keely called me devastated. I was numb and didn't know what to feel. At that moment, my only thought was, "How am I going to get home?"

Last night, I sat on Dad's living room couch and tried to remember what it felt like in this house with him here. Tomorrow will mark one month since he stayed here and slept in his own bed.

Our last communication by e-mail (we hardly ever spoke on the phone...I'm not a big fan) was in early July when I reached out to him about collateral relationships and some things that were bothering me. Dad got a little defensive and said he felt personally attacked. I did not intend to come across that way, but I can see the accusatory tone of my message. We e-mailed all the time, mostly stuff we found interesting or funny. Dad used to e-mail me Daily Bread messages which he subscribed to and would forward. I began marking them "spam." Such was the nature of our bittersweet relationship.

Prior to that, we'd e-mailed in December 2020, and Heidi's fiance had just been down for a visit. Dad was looking forward to marrying them. I'd e-mailed him about a book I'd just read, written by a Vietnam vet, that I knew he'd enjoy.

A late November e-mail exchange came right on the heels of my three month visit with Dad in Cicero. I hadn't intended to be there more than six weeks. When it turned into fourteen, I just tried to make the most of it...and good thing, too. It was our last visit, the last time I'd ever see my Dad alive...last time I'd look into his eyes, hug him and tell him I love him. :(

I won't bore you with details of every communication we ever had, but I do want to touch on some highlights...

MAY 2020: E-mailed dad some race memories of going to the track with him as a kid, of the first race in the 70's he ever took me to. We sat in the first turn right behind the wall...MAGICAL! I've always gotten homesick for Indianapolis in the month of May every year. Last year was no different. He thanked me for sharing my memories.

FEB 2020: I'd seen a WFYI (Indianapolis PBS station's) documentary about Crispus Attucks high school and e-mailed my family about it. Dad's response surprised me and blessed me so much I'm recapturing it here:

Wow! I have to say I was deeply, deeply moved by this documentary. It resonated even more with me seeing that the first principal of Crispus Attucks HS grew up in Lyles Station, just a stone's throw from where Mom and I grew up in Tower Heights in Princeton. Two of our classmates in high school were Lester Lyles, of the Lyles Station Lyles, and Richard Pritchett, whose mother was a Lyles by birth. It was very touching and saddening at the same time to see the deep-rooted racism in the Indiana culture which, by God's grace, benefitted so many African-Americans through their hardships. Ironically, those many and veried hardships molded strong leaders from their heritage into almost super heroes for their posterity to follow and emulate.

I highly recommend it to all of my posterity. It's well worth the time it takes to watch it. Thanks, Chris, for finding it and sharing it. (from his Feb 13, 8:16 p.m. reply)

OCT 2019: I'd shared with Dad all of my earliest memories of living in Princeton and our 1974 move to Indy. His response touched me, "Wow, that was quite a stroll down memory highway! Some of the minutiae I didn’t even recall. I miss our breakfasts when we talked about a lot of those things." 

AUG 2019: I sent Dad some encouragement and told him I love him. He responded in kind.

DEC 2018:  He e-mailed, "I just found out last week that you’re back at Tracy’s taking care of the girls. I think that’s great. But we haven’t talked in a long time and I’d like to catch up. When would be a good time to call? Love You, Dad." which led to a nice exchange where I talked about it being the hardest Christmas without Mom. He ended the exchange with this message to me on Christmas Eve morning, "Wish you could be here. Have a Merry Christmas again with Paula & Ivey Jean. Love, Dad"

NOV 2017: I checked in with Dad on the anniversary of Mom's death every year for the past 5 years. This was no different. He'd forgotten that it was the 29th, as he'd been busy that morning. He was actually dealing pretty well. I wasn't. I'd just lost a dear friend from high school to alcoholism. :(

Earlier that month, I'd reached out to him after having a breakfast that reminded me of our times together--SO many breakfasts shared between us! He responded the morning of Nov. 4th, "Thanks for the memories and words of love. I am still doing well, but I have been missing Mom's constant companionship more this year than last... I'll try calling you later today or tomorrow. Love you. Dad"

DEC 2016: We exchanged e-mails three days before Christmas and he noted that I sounded upbeat and was glad that Tracy and I were getting along for the girls' sake. He wrote, "Give Tracy & the girls my love. Talk to you when you call. Love you." That's the thing. He was SUCH a great Papaw to my girls and a Dad to my ex. He loved her like a daughter until he died. She expressed how much that meant to her upon learning of his death.

There are so many wonderful exchanges between us about family history, my girls and how much he loved and missed them, our crazy family, missing Mom, etc. I just wanted to provide a snapshot as I walked down memory lane this morning. Thanks for coming along.