The Illusion of Control

I have a friend who is a chronic worrier. She blogged about it yesterday and my comment went as follows:

I think that I have a normal amount of anxiety about things. I’m certainly not an over-worrier, but I do overthink things a lot, so I can sorta relate. What it boils down to for me is CONTROL. Worry gives us a false sense of it. Many things that we do or believe give us the same false sense of control. Because bottom line is, we don’t. We control our attitude, our thoughts, our emotions and our actions ( to varying degrees of success :D ), but that’s about it. I realized a couple of years ago that I really only control the space immediately around my person. I can put one foot in front of the other, but by the time I take the next breath, make the next move, I could drop dead from an aneurysm ( somewhat fatalistic, I know ). But it helps give me perspective. I can control my breathing, I can remain aware of my surroundings and avoid pitfalls, control how I perceive things, but I can’t control outcomes, other people, the unknown… That helps me to keep a healthy balance, knowing realistically what I control…and it’s not much!

I have been thinking that lately the blood is increasing
The tourniquet's not keeping hold in spite of our twisting
Though we would like to believe we are
We are not in control
Though we would love to believe

(D. Matthews, "Dive In" lyrics)

As Dave Matthew's sings, "We are not in control though we would love to believe." And many people do believe they have control--control over situations and circumstances, control over others, control over outcomes--but as Science Daily points out, the "Illusion of control is the tendency for human beings to believe they can control or at least influence outcomes that they demonstrably have no influence over." So for instance, you're in conflict with a friend, a partner or lover and you are trying desperately to smooth things over, so maybe you hold back, tell a partial truth or try in some way to protect their feelings. In reality, you don't want to give over control to that person, allow them to have the information (the whole truth), to process it and to react. It could be that you're afraid of the reaction, so you control the information to try and control the outcome.

It's no different than the chronic worrier who somehow tricks herself into believing that all that worry is going to better prepare her to face some perceived difficulty or potential tragedy. It won't. Worry doesn't produce positive results. It's basically a waste of time. Same goes for the person who tries to control outcomes. It actually inhibits the other person, it doesn't help them. If you feel that you're trying to protect them (i.e. act in their best interest), what you're probably doing is trying to protect yourself and serve your own self-interest. It's counterproductive.

Best-selling author Brene Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” To allow someone else the freedom to respond however they respond to new information, to have feelings, to be heard and validated for those feelings takes vulnerability. If you believe you can control their response (i.e. control the outcome of the exchange or dialogue), then you are not operating from a place of vulnerability, therefore, you are not fully engaged and connected to that person. It's a complete illusion if you believe you can control the outcome, somehow. You don't control other people. You only control you.

Some people seem addicted to this illusion. They refuse to give up control. It would somehow put them in a place of inferiority. But the truth is, none of us have control--not over others, not over the unknown, not over outcomes. Embracing that reality and letting go of the illusion is a place of freedom. The illusion never gave you any real control, anyway. It was a lie you kept telling yourself.

I was a control-freak for a very long time. I always wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it and I wanted it my way...always. I had ways of manipulating people or forcing my will, my beliefs onto them so that I'd hold the power in the relationship. Amazing how many of those relationships either faded away or ended badly. They weren't real, lasting connections. They were simply power trips.

I thought I was in control of my life. I thought I had enough information (like you can ever know enough) to be in full control of my future, my spiritual life, my marriage, my other relationships. I was very egotistical and proud. My feet got knocked out from under me more times than I could count. Each time, I was reminded that I'm actually not in control. Quite humbling.

Humility is a great starting point, a teachable moment. I learned a lot from having my house of cards fall to the ground. I've had to return to humility too many times to count. And I'm sure that I will again. But humility and vulnerability are where I feel most real, authentic and connected to humankind. The vanquishing of that illusion of control has freed my mind. I've willingly let go of it. It did not serve me well, at all. It never really gave me control of anything.

Like I told my friend, the worrier, I can only control me--what I think, how I handle new information, my reaction, my choices and decisions. I need to let go of everything and everyone else and just control my mind and emotions. Be honest. Be authentic. Be humble and kind (as the song goes). Embrace vulnerability and have real connection with others. I hope this makes sense and maybe even resonates with some of you. Love, light and peace, my friends.

Moving forward

It's crazy, sometimes, the path life's journey takes you down. It's never what you expect. It's always ripe with surprise twists and turns. It takes you to some uncharted territories, not just physical proximity, but in your psyche, as well.

These last two and three-quarter years have been quite an interesting part of mine. I've successfully navigated two moves--one almost 1,150 miles--a separation, a divorce, another failed relationship, several changes in employment, the ups-and-downs of life and the melodramatic changes in my attitude about all of it. I can't say that it's been boring. I lived on a barrier island near the boundary to the tropics, played in a rock band, dated a beautiful woman, made trips to the Florida Keys and to Tallahassee to see my girls...there were several adventures along the way, most recently an unexpected visit to Mile Marker 59 on Alligator Alley due to a blown headgasket.

I'm thankful for the experience of living on the beach...a lifelong dream finally realized, if only for a brief moment in time. I fully expect to get back there one day, maybe not to Fort Myers Beach, but definitely to a barrier island somewhere on the Gulf of Mexico. That's what the image above reminds me of--a public beach access to a white, sandy beach somewhere in that vicinity. I will have my toes in the sand and a cold beer in my hand, that's for certain.

For now, life has me landlocked in Tallahassee, where I spent more than 20 years of my life. It's a place near and dear to my heart for three reasons--FSU, where I earned my degree and fell in love with college football, and two daughters who stole my heart, both of whom I adopted there. I'm committed to remaining here as long as they are both living here in the moss-draped armpit of Florida. Besides those three draws to this city, I picked a great time to move back. Springtime in Tallahassee, while incredibly shortlived, is quite beautiful--warm temperatures, low humidity and plenty of fragrant, blooming trees and bushes. It could be a lot worse. I could be enduring yet another feet-of-snow-producing storm in central Indiana. I'll count my blessings in that regard.

I've spent the most time journalling throughout this segment of my journey than I ever have before. Beginning in earnest July of 2012, I have made entries on a near daily basis, filling up a dozen spiral-bound, college-ruled notebooks. While therapeutic for me, it has also allowed me the practice of writing and getting in touch with my feelings. It began, largely, out of my loneliness and needing someone to talk to and has become a much needed and relied upon outlet. I just wish I had started earlier in my life, capturing my thoughts and feelings on things I have experienced the last 25+ years.

I know that I have grown and changed a lot. Still unsure of what I want to do with my life, professionally, I know much better now who I am. I've grown to love that person exponentially. And at the risk of sounding quite vain and conceited, I really love the man I've become. If you knew how completely self-conscious and truly self-deprecating I can be, you'd understand and you'd be congratulating me. Learning to love myself as compassionately as I love others was a huge milestone for me in the last two years.

More than anything, I've put more value on my time with my children, two incredibly gifted girls that were meant to be mine, no question about it. They are daddy's girls through and through. With one of them about to become a teenager, there was no better time for me to re-engage on a daily basis than now. Neither of them are getting any younger, and my time away from them, missing them like a central organ in my body, taught me just how critical they are to my existence here on planet Earth. I need them just as badly as they need me and I'm not ashamed to admit it. The two weeks I've spent with them in Tallahassee, so far, has been very heart-warming and healing for us all.

This journey has surprised me in life-altering ways. I've learned things about myself even in the last month that have amazed me beyond belief. And as cynical and jaded as I tend to be, I am very hopeful for what the next leg of this journey holds. I'm still growing...still learning, at age 45. I'm much happier with myself and much easier on myself than I've been in the past. I still have my days. I can be a very gloom-and-doomsday, self-fulfilling prophet, but I bounce back much more readily than before. My realism certainly helps to balance the dreamer in me and I'm learning to love that counterbalance! Still a hopeless romantic, I'm very guarded these days about my heart...slow to trust, but eager to do so.

Well, before I get any gushier or ultra-transparent, let me end this blog entry here. I could go on, but that is mostly what I wanted to say. This is me moving forward.