Gratitude. Presence. Spirituality.

Haven't posted in awhile. Life happens. 2020 is different, though. We've faced a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic. America has lost almost 180k lives to it. Our president has failed us. He's about to be voted out in a few months. There's been racial unrest with rioting, protesting and over-policing, which just fuels more of it. We're about to see history unfold as two potential hurricanes form in the Gulf at the same time. California is largely on fire and I'm facing the move of a lifetime. Life happens was kind of a muted understatement :)

But here we are nearing the peak of hurricane season. I'm no longer living on the Gulf coast so I'm well out of harm's way. I find myself at my Dad's house in Indiana, starting week three. This is supposed to be my transition to Colorado. I feel as if I'm in a holding pattern.

Even with all the unrest and upheaval this year has thrown at me, particularly the last 5-6 months, I'm relatively peaceful and calm. Facing the negativity and ritualism of my father, I'm relatively positive and making progress.

How is this possible?

Gratitude. Presence. Spirituality.

I've found a path to more mindfulness, more peace, by looking inward and diving below "the unconscious mind," as Eckhart Tolle likes to say. He's my spiritual guru. I've digested more of his videos in the last month than I can count. He preaches presence and getting past the clutter of "the thinking mind." It has helped me a lot. I'm finding a spiritual discipline that didn't exist in my past life as a seeker of Truth.

I mentioned my father's ritualism. He's part of the tribal cult of religion. He believes the Bible to be the inerrant word of God. For him, it paints a picture of God's design and dominion over humankind, the earth and it's history. He trusts that the spiritual, dare I say mythical, guide book was transcribed by men who were mere conduits for the voice of the divine. It's as if God couldn't write it all down for us, as he did for Moses on the mountain, so he began with the Old Testament scribes, and they captured it precisely and perfectly as God intended. No errors, no omissions or translations. Purely the essence of God's wisdom captured in a man-made book.

That's the biggest myth of fundamental Christianity. But Dad's faith is built on that, so I have to allow him his beliefs. He doesn't want to hear otherwise. There's no room for debate.

Take Creation v. Evolution, for instance. He doesn't believe there is room to believe that God set into motion the evolutionary process that took millions of years and still continues to this day. No, the myth says that there was a literal creation that took place thousands (not millions) of years ago and it happened in a literal week. You know, because God is bound by time and space and put "himself" on a tight deadline. The book says it, so it is so. No wiggle room.

Where I diverge from his ritualism is that I see the Bible as a book of myths and stories pointing to a larger Truth. The same Universal Truths we find in other spiritual guidebooks and paths--from Eastern to Western cultures and religions. I don't believe in God's will superimposed over history, or that "he" spoke the Bible into existence and men merely transcribed what they heard, as if on dictaphone. On the contrary, I believe the oral tradition passed down for generations to Abraham, Moses and Jesus, were largely based on myths, like the story of creation. It helped to make sense of the world to nomadic, tribal people in times before the written word. The Bible, then, is man's writing of history to explain the why questions. Once the oral traditions and ancient myths were captured in writing, it's like they were set in stone...by God. But it's humankind's way of explaining the unexplainable God, not the other way around. The myths point to larger Truths, like guideposts. That's why I see spiritual writings as guides and not rulebooks.

Religion, tribalism and ritualism seem rooted in ancient times. Truth is transcendent. That's why you find kernels of it in all religions. There are enough similarities in the major religions to see a pattern and to be able to discern the essence of the divine.

I guess it comes down to having a more humanist view of God than a deist one. I began years ago, and it's documented in this blog, seeing the divine in other human beings. I look for it there. Even Jesus said we'd find him when we helped others--fed them, clothed them, gave them a drink of water. I think that is God finding God. We have the divine spark within us. That's not blasphemy or heresy. That's in Jesus' own teaching. It's evident in a lot of spiritual writings. It's what Tolle calls our "essence," part of "the Universal Consciousness." I don't care what you call it, that resonates with me.

Getting in touch with who I really am at my core--my essence--is where I find the most transcendent peace, or what Jesus called "peace that passes understanding." To get there, I have to escape the clutter of my non-stop thinking mind. I don't have to make sense of the totality of life or how we got here. The why questions are becoming less and less important. I'm finding a new ability to let what is just be. It is what it is. I'm not playing some karmic game with fate or God. I'm finding peace in presence. I'm also finding more gratitude for what is, for abundance, for blessing in my life--deserved or undeserved, I no longer place a value on it. Let's face it, the blessings in my life are invaluable. That's why I recognize it as abundance. And the same goes for trials and challenges--they don't come as retribution for past sins or where I may have misstepped, taking that zig when I should've zagged. That's more judgment and attributing the minutia of life to God-level consciousness. God's not up there playing a game of chess with me. No, as I said at the start of this post, "life happens." It's how we deal with the unexpected complexities of life that matters most.

So far, I've survived 2020. I haven't gotten infected with the COVID-19 virus, to my knowledge. The one test I had done came back negative four weeks ago. I haven't succumbed to the panic over the viral pandemic that went global back in Dec/Jan timeframe, but only really grabbed our full attention in late March. I didn't die from homelessness. I survived much of this year with my girls--my lifeline. I found some new meditation practices that have become part of my daily spiritual discipline. I've actually used this year of upheaval to grow and adapt.

This blog post really focused on spirituality and religion, but that's only because I've been smacked in the face with my ritualistic past because I'm living with "old me" in the form of my Dad. I love him dearly. I'm just glad I evolved past his tribalism and stranglehold on the Truth. We've largely avoided discussions on this topic, to my great surprise (and with great effort on my part). I don't discuss politics for the same exact reason. My sanity is largely in-tact, but not just because we've avoided these hot-button issues, but because I continue to practice gratitude.

Here's what that looks like in the mornings--
I'm often up before sunrise, as I am today (typing this at 4:36 a.m.). I'll take my freshly brewed Cuban coffee outside (weather permitting) and greet the sunrise with gratitude. I might thank the Universe for the sun's energy, it's life-giving and sustaining force, it's warmth, it's light. It's really that simple. I don't take everyday things, like the sun coming up over the eastern horizon, for granted. I say thank you...to God, to Life, to the Universe, the planet...I am grateful. I might, then, turn my attention to the things that thrive on photosynthesis like the grass under my feet (I try to ground myself, barefoot, to the Earth) or the plants and trees around me. There's an abundance of life all around me, so that even if I didn't have a penny or a roof over my head, I could still be grateful for abundance. There is abundant life on this planet that we just happened to be fortunate enough to be born onto. I'm grateful for that...for life on Planet Earth. Then I bore down into more personal areas, like my health, my daughters, my family, etc. It's really not that difficult. I try to start everyday with gratitude. I absorb the positive energy of the sun (which I can do even when it's not visible, on cloudy, rainy days) and try to radiate that positivity outward, in the form of considering and praying for others. If the focus is merely inward, it's not really gratitude, it's narcissism. I want to be a blessing on the Earth and vibrate on a higher frequency than I ever have before. I am noticing a difference in just a few weeks of practice.

Ok, I've rambled on long enough. Peace, my friends. Be blessed.

STOP CHASING SELF-ESTEEM

A GREAT INTRODUCTION TO THIS TOPIC...



I was a chronic self-doubter. I grew up in a cynical, critical, religious home with parents who didn't love themselves the way they should. This isn't an indictment of them, it's just a part of my story that shaped who I became as an adult. There's no blame in this. It's just my perception of the problem and the toxic environment in which I was raised.

It took YEARS to break free from that harmful mindset--that I'll never measure up, never be good enough, never be deserving enough, etc. That disillusionment with self came crashing down in 2012. I picked up a new book by Dr. Neff's (video above) colleague, Dr. Christopher Germer, "The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion." I've written about it more than once, including this blog post in Dec 2012.

Again, it was a game changer for me, this concept of loving myself and accepting both the good and bad, the yin and yang of my being. The chastisement and critical behaviors began melting away. The will to do self-harm became less and less. I saw myself sabotaging my relationships less frequently, but mostly the self-sabotage was replaced by understanding and mercy. I was able to start healing by forgiving myself for perceived failures and shortcomings. I began to focus more on the goodness inside of me, the parts I really admired about my personality, my being.

I was up late last night because I couldn't sleep. Journaling has become an effective therapy for me, so I did so last night at 3 a.m. I was led back to this concept of self-compassion and how it's altered the course of my life the last 8 years.

I recommend this video as a good starting point. Here's to your journey of self-discovery. Be well, friends!

The Illusion of Control

I have a friend who is a chronic worrier. She blogged about it yesterday and my comment went as follows:

I think that I have a normal amount of anxiety about things. I’m certainly not an over-worrier, but I do overthink things a lot, so I can sorta relate. What it boils down to for me is CONTROL. Worry gives us a false sense of it. Many things that we do or believe give us the same false sense of control. Because bottom line is, we don’t. We control our attitude, our thoughts, our emotions and our actions ( to varying degrees of success :D ), but that’s about it. I realized a couple of years ago that I really only control the space immediately around my person. I can put one foot in front of the other, but by the time I take the next breath, make the next move, I could drop dead from an aneurysm ( somewhat fatalistic, I know ). But it helps give me perspective. I can control my breathing, I can remain aware of my surroundings and avoid pitfalls, control how I perceive things, but I can’t control outcomes, other people, the unknown… That helps me to keep a healthy balance, knowing realistically what I control…and it’s not much!

I have been thinking that lately the blood is increasing
The tourniquet's not keeping hold in spite of our twisting
Though we would like to believe we are
We are not in control
Though we would love to believe

(D. Matthews, "Dive In" lyrics)

As Dave Matthew's sings, "We are not in control though we would love to believe." And many people do believe they have control--control over situations and circumstances, control over others, control over outcomes--but as Science Daily points out, the "Illusion of control is the tendency for human beings to believe they can control or at least influence outcomes that they demonstrably have no influence over." So for instance, you're in conflict with a friend, a partner or lover and you are trying desperately to smooth things over, so maybe you hold back, tell a partial truth or try in some way to protect their feelings. In reality, you don't want to give over control to that person, allow them to have the information (the whole truth), to process it and to react. It could be that you're afraid of the reaction, so you control the information to try and control the outcome.

It's no different than the chronic worrier who somehow tricks herself into believing that all that worry is going to better prepare her to face some perceived difficulty or potential tragedy. It won't. Worry doesn't produce positive results. It's basically a waste of time. Same goes for the person who tries to control outcomes. It actually inhibits the other person, it doesn't help them. If you feel that you're trying to protect them (i.e. act in their best interest), what you're probably doing is trying to protect yourself and serve your own self-interest. It's counterproductive.

Best-selling author Brene Brown writes in The Gifts of Imperfection, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” To allow someone else the freedom to respond however they respond to new information, to have feelings, to be heard and validated for those feelings takes vulnerability. If you believe you can control their response (i.e. control the outcome of the exchange or dialogue), then you are not operating from a place of vulnerability, therefore, you are not fully engaged and connected to that person. It's a complete illusion if you believe you can control the outcome, somehow. You don't control other people. You only control you.

Some people seem addicted to this illusion. They refuse to give up control. It would somehow put them in a place of inferiority. But the truth is, none of us have control--not over others, not over the unknown, not over outcomes. Embracing that reality and letting go of the illusion is a place of freedom. The illusion never gave you any real control, anyway. It was a lie you kept telling yourself.

I was a control-freak for a very long time. I always wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it and I wanted it my way...always. I had ways of manipulating people or forcing my will, my beliefs onto them so that I'd hold the power in the relationship. Amazing how many of those relationships either faded away or ended badly. They weren't real, lasting connections. They were simply power trips.

I thought I was in control of my life. I thought I had enough information (like you can ever know enough) to be in full control of my future, my spiritual life, my marriage, my other relationships. I was very egotistical and proud. My feet got knocked out from under me more times than I could count. Each time, I was reminded that I'm actually not in control. Quite humbling.

Humility is a great starting point, a teachable moment. I learned a lot from having my house of cards fall to the ground. I've had to return to humility too many times to count. And I'm sure that I will again. But humility and vulnerability are where I feel most real, authentic and connected to humankind. The vanquishing of that illusion of control has freed my mind. I've willingly let go of it. It did not serve me well, at all. It never really gave me control of anything.

Like I told my friend, the worrier, I can only control me--what I think, how I handle new information, my reaction, my choices and decisions. I need to let go of everything and everyone else and just control my mind and emotions. Be honest. Be authentic. Be humble and kind (as the song goes). Embrace vulnerability and have real connection with others. I hope this makes sense and maybe even resonates with some of you. Love, light and peace, my friends.

Who I Am

I've been talking to my bus driver, Connie, who runs the SouthWood Route. She's also a full-time minister who, in addition to shuttling folks from SouthWood to downtown and points in-between, gives solicited and sometimes unsolicited bits of knowledge. Her most recent "sermon" has been on Who We Are as people of God. It's been an interesting conversation which I've engaged her in on a number of recent bus trips.

As I was walking over 4 miles yesterday, I had time to clear my head and do some meditating on Who I Am, as a person. And here's what I came up with. I didn't know who I was for a very long time. I didn't really care for myself all that much until I moved back to Florida in 2011 and had a bit of a catharsis on the beach. Self discovery that started at the end of 2011 and led me to some radical changes that brought me to where I am today--back in a town that I swore off in December 2006 when I sold my house and moved back to Indiana.

In my time of reflection and meditation, as I strolled along a barren stretch of Capital Circle SE, I realized what a pivotal year 2006 was for me. It was the beginning of what I now call my decade of crisis. I was 38, then, and I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. I found what I thought was real love for the first time. It led me away from my wife and ultimately down the path to divorce in 2012. It was an up-and-down rollercoaster ride from 2006 until 2016, which I blogged recently was one of the worst years of my life.

But things began to turn around near the holidays. And as 2017, emerged, I realized that I wasn't the same person that I was during that crisis and certainly not the 38 years before. This year, I've decided to take hold of the rudder of my life again and be the captain of this aging vessel. Whereas before I was willing to let the winds of change shift my direction here and there. I tried to be a,flexible reed letting the winds bend me to and fro, calling it "life's adventure" and taking things as they came to me. Really, I was being lazy and just settling for whatever came my way. I had stopped trying all that hard. I was still living, I was enjoying life, but I didn't feel like I was making choices that would get me to a desired destination.

That definitely began to change in 2012, when I decided to end my marriage. That was a definitive choice. It was a step in the process of finding out who I am and what I am made of. It was a very difficult hill to climb, but I did reach the pinnacle and come down on the other side. I survived. But I still didn't know exactly who I was. Today, I know.

I AM A GOOD FATHER

My daughters mean everything to me. And while they've always been a priority, I never had to sacrifice as much for them as I did in 2014 when I moved back to Tallahassee to be fully engaged in their lives again. It was a bittersweet move for me that I shed many tears over, but a great one nonetheless. I needed to be close to them to be able to continue sowing good seed into their young lives. That first year back in Tallahassee led me to a lot of soul searching. I took lots of cleansing walks, to talk to myself, search my heart and soul and to breathe again. Those girls are my reason for being--well the biggest part of it anyway.

I AM A SPIRITUAL PERSON

I am still a seeker of truth and justice. I try to be a giver, a pursuer of right causes, an advocate for others, an encourager and a more positive person. My journey has led me to broaden my faith to accept Truth where I find it, regardless of the label we place on it. That said, my faith is rooted in Christianity, but I find Truth is not bound by that label or any doctrine thereof. My spirituality embraces tenets of Eastern religions--Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism--and the beliefs of Western Protestant Christianity. Where the Eastern mystics promote living in the present and being fully aware and fully human, I find peace and comfort in that. When they say to sow good into the world and that it'll be returned to you (i.e. Karma), I find the same teachings in the Gospels, regarding sowing and reaping. Even in the Old Testament, Nehemiah prophesies to the builders of the walls of Jerusalem, "only the builders will be paid for their labor." These Truths aren't proprietary to one sect of religion and spiritual people find great comfort in that.

I AM MUSICAL TO MY CORE

I find rhythm in nearly everything. Even my daily routines have a rhythm to them. There's a rhythm in my quick stride to the bus stop in the mornings. It's no wonder that I am a drummer. I find comfort in the steady tempo of life, in the pulse of my heartbeat (which is the backbeat and backbone of modern music, by the way) and in the rhythm of all kinds of music--from black gospel to heavy metal. Music speaks to my soul and has from a very early age. Another great decision I made in 2012 was to join a rock-n-roll cover band. Today, I find myself in one of the best bands I have ever played for. It's because I am a musical being and I need that outlet so that my soul can shine. One day, I'll even write and record my own original music, but for now I just have to play!

I LOVE WHO I AM

It took me the longest time to get over myself and all my perceived failures. I was a constant critic and my internal voice nagged the hell out of me from my childhood, through my adolescence and into adulthood. I just couldn't seem to shake the negativity I always felt towards myself. It felt as if I'd never measure up to my own unrealistic expectations. That, too, began to change in 2012 when I found a book by Dr. Christopher Germer, "The Mindful Path To Self Compassion." I devoured that book on the beach that summer, skipping over the long chapters on meditation practices. My soul needed to hear what he had to say about self-love and affirmation. You see, Words of Affirmation, as Dr. Gary Smalley, taught me through his book, "The Five Love Languages," is my PRIMARY love language, followed by physical touch (secondary). I've found that this is pretty common for men--well, for all people, really, but especially for men. The thing is that I was seeking that love from other people when I didn't even feel it for myself. I wasn't loving myself because I didn't like myself. I didn't know who I was. I began the discovery in my first year of crisis, 2006, and found myself again in 2012, but there were still parts of me I didn't understand, so I didn't know to love them. Today, I feel like I've fully discovered myself. And while I haven't tapped into all my raw potential, I know what lies within and I really love myself completely. No more tearing myself down. If I'm going to be an encourager and a lover of people, I must start with myself. It'd be foolish and disingenuous to be any other way.

I realized yesterday that my midlife crisis lasted a decade, from 2006-2016. It spanned my life from 38 to 48 years old. That's a long time to go through a metamorphosis where I nearly hit rock bottom twice, but it's my journey and I'm telling you that's how it happened. I'm not the same guy that I was in 2006, not the same guy I was at the start of last year, even. But today, I fully love the man that is a good, no GREAT, father, a spiritualist, a musician and a man that is fully human, in touch with the full range of his emotions and excited to be alive.

There...that felt good!