I want to feel the way I did in Boulder, the Summer of 2021.
Life was pregnant with promise then and I was fully alive. I was hopeful. I had peace. I believed the Universe (and my Mom) was leading me and guiding me. The presence of Goodness and Mercy was nearly tangible.
I was falling for a woman I met there. She was 10 years my junior, a single mother of two girls. Her girls were the same ages as my own. That meant that in a couple of years, our youngest daughters would graduate, albeit from different high schools in the county.
I only spent 11 months in that mile-high-plus city, but it was a year of adventure that I'll never forget.
Recently, I was thinking back to the time I was planning my move out there. I had stalled out at my Dad's house in Indiana for longer than I had anticipated. He was reluctant to help me with my passage to Colorado and the foothills of the Rockies. He wanted to know my intentions--my plans for work, where I would stay, if I would be a burden to my ex-wife and daughters. Dad meant well, but he was misguided. For a minute, he forgot one of the things he was proudest about my character--my parental relationship with my children.
There were nights of pure anxiety when I faced the reality of arriving in winter, a Rocky Mountain Winter, no less. I imagined myself isolated, alone and freezing. I did not know the lay of the land aside from Google maps and some Internet sleuthing. But even the best laid plans, as they say, and I had none. It was just important for me to be there, so that I could continue my engagement in the girls' lives. Beyond that, little mattered. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared of the unknown...and the cold. I hate cold winters. It was a sacrifice I was making for my kids.
Some nights on Dad's couch took calming videos on YouTube, while others took intense concentration on the positive and meditating or envisioning my beach. These practices, plus trying to remain rooted in the present--I knew what projecting forward and forecasting did--are what got me through the worst of it. On the flip side, though, was the excitement of our reunion. I hadn't seen them since early August 2020. I didn't board a train until late November.
Another bittersweet moment from my adventure was saying goodbye to my dad on the Amtrak platform in Indianapolis. He got all misty eyed when he hugged me and said that he loved me. I knew that he did. I knew that he was secretly proud of me for moving out there, even if he didn't understand my lack of a real plan. I knew in my heart that it was the last time I'd see him. For one, I was never planning to go back to Indiana. And second, it just seemed like he'd lost the will to live. That coupled with his age and health issues just did not bode well for a long future. I knew that his time was short. He hoped that it was, as well, as he'd spent the last five years pining for Mom.
So back to the good part. I got COVID in December 2020, and being that I was living in the homeless shelter, I was forced into a FEMA-funded COVID shelter to ride it out the requisite 7-10 days. Thankfully, I was out in just seven and the worst of my symptoms was one day of serious abdominal pain and diarrhea. I never lost my taste or sense of smell. But we're focusing on the good part, right? Sorry.
Fast forward through the Spring and my getting acclimated to a brand new city I'd never even set eyes on in person before. I soon got the lay of the land and made friends. It was easy to make friends there when I spent most of my time in group settings, mostly at Central Park. But the most interesting friend I made worked in a non-profit setting that I won't divulge at this time. If she ever read this (doubtful), she might not like my sharing details, so we'll leave it at that.
First off, she was one of the friendliest people I met in Boulder and an absolute knock-out, even though her face was covered with the requisite blue mask. She had shoulder-length, dark brown hair that accented her gorgeous khaki eyes that seemed to alternate between light green and a golden-tinged hazel and her fair complexion. There was light behind her eyes that I could see immediately. And I tried not to take her friendliness too personal considering her capacity in a service role.
That all changed the more time we interacted, sometimes in very short conversations and others in quality, one-on-one time that might last 30 minutes or so. I was smitten with her wit and charm, as well as her dazzling eyes. The more we interacted, the more they seemed to dazzle and come to life when she saw me. I was fairly certain that we were making a connection and that feelings were mutual.
When I happened to run into her one day in the Spring 2021, she confided in me that I was one of her two most favorite clients. That was after offering me breakfast and other commodities. Score one for the home team. That made my whole week, just knowing that I was most definitely on her radar.
Being the romantic that I am, I made sure to stay closely on her radar the ensuing weeks. I even snuck her a card at work that basically told her she was seen and appreciated. I didn't lay it on too thick. It was a kind gesture, as much as an intended romantic one. It landed perfectly. Before I even realized it, she'd snuck a peak at the card and immediately tracked me down to say thanks and to give me a hug (at that point this was taboo since I was a client).
Score two for the home team. I was flying high after that and my friends were taking notice. One of my buddies in whom I had confided studied us for a bit, whenever he was around for our casual flirtation. He definitely noted our chemistry and told me he could feel her energy laser focused on me. That was very affirming. Then he got a little drunk and a little ahead of himself and blurted out to her that I was totally digging her vibe. When he admitted this to me, drunk and proud of himself, I asked him if we were in grade school. That wasn't cool.
Finally, after my reaching out through DM, she responded in May. She was going through a thing with her ex and needed a shoulder to lean on. I was there for her and she reciprocated with a surprise picnic lunch in a local park. She brought food and liquor as a way to thank me for my friendship and encouragement. She was very nervous the entire time of being discovered and potentially putting her job at risk.
But that day in mid-May 2021 is one that I'll never forget. I was sitting on a hillside overlooking a South Boulder neighborhood when my phone notified me that she'd sent a reply in my DMs. I was thrilled. By the end of the conversation, when she mentioned that she might "run into me" if I was still at the park, I was floating in the clouds just above Flatiron! When she asked if she could bring us lunch and the brand of bourbon I drank, I literally hollered my excitement and gratitude to the Universe. I probably looked crazy, but I didn't care. I was overjoyed.
Things did not work out the way I planned. I won't go into specifics, but my time there was cut short. My dad died due to COVID-related illness in early October and I left Boulder forever. Fast forward to today and my daughters don't even live there anymore. I really have no reason to go back. And I may have done or said some things to put the lid on any burgeoning romance with that beautiful woman. As of the end of 2021, I had no intentions of ever going back.
After getting into another entanglement with an old flame, I took the step of deleting all photos I had of the Boulder woman. I deleted them from the Cloud, from my phone, from my Google account, just to appease my partner and to put the past to bed.
Late last year (2025), those photos all reappeared in my Google account. I felt as if I'd seen an apparition. I took great delight in reviewing them and I kept them there. In fact, I remade the album they once held on that platform. I talked to a friend and to my therapist about it. Is it a sign from the Universe? Who knows, crazier things have happened.
Last night, as I was trying to find sleep, I found myself dreaming of her again. I tried hard as I could to conjure up all those feelings from that wonderful summer. And while the memory has faded around the edges, and the emotion lost it's significant power, I still want to hold onto what is left of her in my mind. I don't know if I'll ever see her again. But I miss the euphoria of falling in love, and of the adventure that Boulder held for me during a very significant period of growth and awakening.
Thanks for letting me ramble. I'm a dreamer and a hopeless romantic, if you didn't already know. To be continued...maybe.
