I love you more than what I can convey by text or even mere words.
As soon as I typed those words and hit send, it made me ponder some deep things. Will she ever be able to fully weigh the sentiments I just poured out? The words were heavy with meaning. Will she ever understand that, or the depth from whence they came? Maybe if she raises a child and loves it proper. I don't know. I pondered if she truly loves herself. If she fully grasps the concept. Probably not. I was well into my adult years.
One thing I know of sure, she doesn't know the profound impact that loving her has had on me as a person, and as a man.
I know I wasn't fully rooted in the concept when I adopted her. I wouldn't begin the practice of self-love until the summer of her 11th birthday, once she and her mom and sister were getting reacclimated with life in Tallahassee...without me.
But as cliche as it sounds, I didn't even know I had enough love inside to love two other human beings, such as I did those two. Would I have ever cracked the code on loving myself without them? It's hard to imagine. So I cannot possibly overstate the impact that they've both had on my life, my adopted daughters, but primarily Merikathryn, because she was my first.
The text at top is more than sentimentality. It is not the sappy, syrupy derivative of a lonely empty-nester father, though I do miss her dearly (both of them). I miss being a daily presence in their life and them in mine. No, it wasn't just saccharine sentimentality. It came from a depth in me I've only begun to realize and explore, a deep well inside that 2012 untaped.
I'm struggling with words, now. They just don't do the depth of feeling any justice. It really is deep and abiding, a father's love. Mine is no different for my oldest than if she'd been created from my rib, "bone of my bone or flesh of my flesh," as the saying goes. No, I couldn't quite imagine going much deeper. I feel it in my marrow. But how to convey that by text? In words?
I did my best today with what I wrote (this was actually yesterday, when I texted then wrote this post). Words are all I really have. And if texting is technically an action, then I'm loving her actively, as well. But will it hit it's mark? Hard to say. I'm not there to gauge her reaction (and she hasn't texted back in two days...not that unusual...she'll get around to it eventually).
I don't know that her brain is fully developed at 24. What about her sense of who she is? Yes, I shared a part in shaping that person. And I did my best to love her! But I'm imperfect, as a human and a parent. I didn't always display fatherly love. There were missteps, for sure. Heck, there was separation and a divorce. That surely didn't help. But I did to the best of my ability at that time. But does she love herself, I wonder. Can she accept love fully?
These are the questions I cannot answer.
But I can certainly keep letting her know.
