Lat/Lon of Life

“Changes in latitude…” Jimmy Buffet

Before I left the beach in Fort Myers, I didn’t plan for the cold. I’d spent the last 21 months mostly in shorts, t-shirt and flops. I was moving to another tropical climate in SoCal…then I got here.

A simple search of the Lat/Lon of both locales shows the degrees of difference. FMB is exactly three degrees north of the tropics, as in the Tropic of Cancer. It’s a very moderate climate where lows to 40 mark the winteriest chill of the season. In SoCal, especially at the beaches, 40’s have been the low since I arrived in mid-January.

I never considered these factors:

SoCal/LA is NOT in or near the tropics.

The Pacific Ocean temp at the coast is low 50’s.

It does actually rain here.

On that last one, it’s been the wettest late Jan/early Feb in a really long time, I believe. In the month since my arrival, there have been consecutive days of rain in THREE of the four weeks. Now they needed the rain, SORELY, I just wasn’t prepared. I thought CA was sunnier than FLA.

The cool sea breezes fueled by a much cooler and larger body of water add to the wintry feel. The Gulf OF MEXICO is considerably warmer, even in the winter. And it’s ALWAYS breezy at the coast in SoCal.

Not only is SoCal not in the tropics, it’s 11 degrees north. It’s nearly four degrees further north than Tallahassee. And we use to get hard freezes in TLH! I’m not whining and complaining. I’m simply pointing out that I did not do my homework. I wasn’t prepared.

In fact, I wasn’t prepared for my train ride up the coast and across the cold Midwest. I’d originally thought my Amtrak train was the old Sunset Limited that basically follows I-10 cross country. I had forgotten that train has been cancelled for more than a decade, cancelled when I lived in TLH and it used to pass through there. I brought one hoodie, a few pairs of long pants, no sweats, and no jacket.

It’s sort of a metaphor for life. I don’t always plan well. It’s not always as sunny as I expect it to be. And I pay the price for my laissez faire attitude. But it DOES keep life interesting!

The main thing was getting as far away from Florida and my ex as possible. And putting 37 degrees of longitude between us fits the bill. The most important part is my mental health. And as the saying goes changes in latitude (i.e. your mental outlook) effects your attitude, and this move has done me worlds of good. Besides, if it stays too cold here for my liking, I can always move two degrees south to San Diego.

The adventure continues…stay tuned!

BLM Movement

BLACK HISTORY MONTH

Why Black Lives Matter

My daughter and I marched in 2020's Black Lives Matter/George Floyd protest in Tallahassee. We were proud to support her African American heritage, on her mother's side, her right to speak out on her own behalf and to let the world know that we've had enough of racism, hate and bigotry in this country.

I just learned of the BLM movement that year, but it started with three women in 2013, one of whom had simply made the comment on social media that black lives matter. And, C'MON, this is a bare minimum requirement, for a human life to matter. Black folks are human beings and so, of course, their lives are sacred, have meaning and value. The fact that this has to be stated for the record is the truly sad part.

These women--Garza, Tometi and Cullors--met at a black leadership conference that year, bonded and created a website for their grassroots organization. As Tometti reminds us, "Black people aren't a monolith." The black community is just as diverse as every other ethnic or racial group. The media just likes to perpetuate stereotypes, but you shouldn't buy into them. They only serve to fuel the hate and bigotry we still see today. The BLM co-founders were horrified and largely motivated by the killing of Trayvon Martin the year before they met. But it was the George Floyd murder by police in 2020 that saw the movement explode internationally.

I am convinced that so many people being home bound and isolated by COVID that Spring gave them a reason to get outside and to congregate. I know that I was paying so much more attention to the MSM and social media at that time and I couldn't get enough of the George Floyd/BLM coverage. I was outraged, as were my daughters. It took no convincing to get my youngest to march that day in downtown Tallahassee with me. It's a memory I'll always cherish.

She and every black member of my family matters significantly. In society, it's a bare minimum to say that one's life matters. Of course, all lives matter, but because of systemic racism and bigotry, we sadly have to single out black lives because they haven't always mattered in this country.

And since it's Black History Month, we should honor the legacy of Black Americans because THEIR HISTORY IS OUR HISTORY! And we should continue to demand better of this country and its government. That's why I'll be joining the continuing protests across all 50 states on February 17th. Please join me and take to the streets.

#BlackLivesMatter

(Editor’s note, the book “Call and Response: The Story of Black Lives Matter,” by Veronica Chambers, 2021, help to inspire and inform this post. It has lots of great photos plus a timeline of the civil rights movement.)

STOPPING THE MADNESS, The Series

I started a series on my YouTube channel documenting my mental health journey the last two and one half months. I titled it Stopping The Madness, parts one through three. Part three is the video above which I recorded in mid-December but just rediscovered on my phone. I hope you’ll take the time to watch it and the two that came before. There is a final part to the series, recorded earlier this week, titled Stopped The Madness. As you may have read in my last post, I finally escaped my narcissist abuser and left Florida for good! As I write this, I’m somewhere in the plains of Southern Colorado aboard an LA-bound train.

I successfully got out of a very toxic situation turned survival quest the last two months. We navigated the holidays together, but my secret mission the entire time was to escape with my sanity. I accomplished that this week.

In the process of escape, I learned that the narcissist’s meddling, low IQ sister messaged MY sister to cast aspersions on my character. WHY??? Just let it go! You were never for the relationship from the get-go. And what was your aim? To harm my reputation with my ride-or-die sister whom you don’t know and have never met. Had this transaction gone down in person you surely would’ve met HER HANDS! My baby sis don’t play that way. She loves her big brother and would go down fighting to protect me! You don’t know what we’ve been through, fought through and suffered together these last ten years. That’s because you are foolish and ignorant just like your siblings. Lynn doesn’t have your back like that, TRUST ME!

Sorry that all of that needed to be said. But the abuse I suffered was real. It’s all documented on my channel, in videos, in a couple of blog posts here, in my private journal (yes, the one the narcissist violated because she thought she owned everything about me, even my thoughts and feelings) AND with the psychiatric staff at Park Royal. Yes there is a record. And I kept receipts. I’ll never be snared by another narcissist disguised as a damsel in distress.

I am literally on the road to healing. Once I get to LA, I will find a good therapist and manage this process, as I did in Boulder in 2021. Keep tabs on me here and on YouTube.

My journey, my story to tell

EDITOR’S NOTE: It is NOT my intent to air Lynn’s dirty laundry. I only felt obliged to begin writing it last weekend when she began lying about me, our situation and assassinating my character, as she is prone to do. I have not cheated on her nor did I leave her for someone else. Period.

My story

It will soon come to light that I left Fort Myers Beach and all it had to offer behind, including a romance that was doomed from the start. I’m talking March 2012 when we were both still married. That should’ve been enough of a red flag to us both. Only one of us heeded it and spent ten years healing, growing and changing.

When I got back to what once was my happy place, I set a course for new adventure but ended up going right back to relearn the lessons I thought I had mastered the first time. Nope, I ran right past all of the red flags. You see, the dreamer in me wanted to rewrite the ending of our saga. Here is how I started that last chapter in 2024.

What I quickly realized is that my partner, the one who I called in the blog post linked above “my person,” was not any different than the psychological mess—the wounded child—I’d left here on Mango Street in February 2014! I’d assumed, and given her the benefit of doubt, that she’d likewise grown, matured and changed over the ten years of separation. I was wrong to assume anything. Turns out, I had to learn the lessons all over again. So that instead of writing a love story, what I was actually finishing is a horror/thriller ride.

It has finally come to an end.

I walk away licking my wounds once again. This is no call for sympathy, just a cautionary tale. Good guys easily become suckers. I fell for the damsel routine once. I didn’t believe I was falling for it again. I thought I had come back to find a strong, empowered woman who had discovered and learned to love herself. Instead, I found the same damsel whose victim game is well worn and tattered, who needs to learn to own up and lose the girl who cried wolf routine.

While no one can undo the damage to the little girl, the adult woman can decide to heal, forgive and move on. That’s what I have decided to do. I need to heal once again from the emotional scars that two trips down this road have left deep inside me.

This isn’t abandonment 2.0 regardless of what some others might believe. She never really wanted me here. She obviously wanted to continue punishing me for the sins of her father and the abusive men who came before me. Added to that she had a personal vendetta for what I “did to her” in 2014. This isn’t me leaving. It’s her pushing me out the door. She’s been doing it since June! I have all of the receipts in my journal.

I fought her on it the first few times in June/July, refusing to leave “her house.” Funny how she called it “Doyle Beach House,” in one breath and her place the next, threatening me with police-enforced eviction more than one time. When she did this again in August, I left. I never felt so liberated.

She used counseling to manipulate me back inside her world. She promised her counselor and I to never kick me out again. She kept her word on that. I was back to being “pawpaw” or her “hubby boy” within weeks. We celebrated my September birthday with a short cruise to Freeport.

Fast forward through two hurricanes and many fights later…

We were at a hotel in town where we chose to evacuate with our pets during Hurricane Milton. I once again made the mistake of pointing out her poor choices/bad behavior. The child lashed out again, leaving me there the night of landfall and telling me she didn’t care if she or our animals survived the night.

So she kept her word of never kicking me out. But giving up and leaving me is no different. Our relationship ended that night. I slept on the hotel room floor once she came to her senses and returned to safety. Once home, I was determined to leave her for good. It took weeks, but my plan eventually materialized.

Fast forward again to this past weekend. She attacked me for being the opposite of everything she typically says that I am, “her perfect man.” This is the game the narcissist plays with their narc supply—you are their hero one minute, Satan the next, there is no in between. I’ve suffered in this no-win situation far too long. I no longer want to be her hero, the villain OR the victim.

So I left.

Monday I packed my things and walked out the door. I’m never looking back. Narcissist abuse is real. My suffering was very real. Therapists will all tell you to cut off their supply and go no contact. That’s what I am doing. 

No regrets and no shame. It was just another misadventure. It was a mistake I MADE TWICE! Never again.

(Edited and posted in Pittsburgh, PA)

It can’t be BOTH so which is it?

Not EVERYTHING in the Bible is spelled out as consistently and clearly as say God’s jealousy, the rights of slaves, the property that is women or its utter inconsistency between old and new covenants. Let’s not get into the weeds by dissecting adjectives or comparing chapter and verse. Let’s take a Sinai view from 7500 feet above sea level at some overarching themes.

EYE FOR AN EYE v TURN THE OTHER CHEEK

There is a lot of bloodlust in the Hebrew Bible, a collection of stories, songs, poems and prophesies we find in our Old Testament. The Law of Moses was that justice requires “an eye for an eye,” and that justice was meant to be carried out quickly and severely. So severe were the edicts of God, who we’ll get to below, that not even babies or livestock were spared. On several occasions, YHWH commanded the Israelites to commit utter genocide that didn’t stop with the humans. His bloodlust was such that not a living thing was to be spared! YIKES. Sorta like the concept of hell, this justice seems unduly harsh. But that was the “old way.”

The “new way” of looking at justice, according to Jesus, was DON’T strike back, don’t repay evil with evil. That’s now considered barbaric. Instead, we are to turn the other cheek. Justice in the New Testament became self sacrifice, embodied in the man-god (demigod) Jesus. No babies or goats were harmed after 33 CE. Nowhere in the second half of the Bible—the good half, the Jesus part—is anyone instructed to plunder, rape and pillage. Nope. If you were wronged, bend over and say, “Thank you Father, may I have another?” First Peter 4:12-19 asserts that sharing in suffering makes you one with Christ.

These two concepts, while written 500-800 years apart scholars believe, couldn’t be more opposite than if they were the North and South poles. What is God’s justice, then, because it can’t be both! Does judgment come in this life at the hands of God’s elect or in the afterlife at His hands? Are we to pluck out our attacker’s eye as one covenant suggests? Or turn the other cheek and endure double the pain?

TRIBAL WAR GOD v ABBA FATHER

The Old Testament God, YHWH, is a brute force who led his tribe, Israel, into battle. This was not a foreign concept at the time, say two millennia BEFORE Common Era. The Canaanite God, Ba’al, was the son of the Most High, El, and a tribal warrior god. Scholars believe ancient Israelites revered and worshipped them all (see Exodus). But as we pointed out above, this version of the Biblical God, seems bloodthirsty, unsatisfied until every living thing is killed. I mean there was that whole flood narrative in Genesis. Gods in the ancient world were bloodthirsty and YHWH was no different. Look at the story of Abraham and Isaac. Blood sacrifice was known in the ancient world to appease the gods.

I won’t belabor that point. But when Jesus arrives on the scene, he paints a VERY dissimilar portrait of YHWH. In fact, that Hebrew alliteration is abandoned for the Greek Adonai or the Aramaic Abba for father. Never before in Hebrew culture was God depicted in this way. He was unknowable, unfathomable. Only the anointed High Priest was able to survive in the presence of the Almighty, according to Hebrew scripture. He was unapproachable. That is, until this hippie rabbi comes along telling a completely different story. So which is it?

Is the God of the Bible a bloodthirsty warrior God of ancient tribal people housed in a tent? Or is he the cuddly daddy God of Jesus, who is totally approachable, kind and compassionate, housed in Heavenly Glory?

You can’t read the Bible cover to cover and say there are no inconsistencies! Just like his two vastly different covenants, God himself seems to transform right before our eyes (somewhere between Malachi and Matthew). How is one to make logical sense of this? And these are just two overarching themes! When you dig down to verse level, there are TONS of incongruencies. It cannot be read literally or you’ll go mad making sense of it. Prove me wrong.

Was Judaism Henotheistic Prior to Babylonian Captivity?

I am quite fascinated by the scholarly study of theology and religion, namely as it pertains to the roots of Christianity and Judaism. During the deconstruction of my faith in the mid 2000s, I still took for granted that the stories in the Bible were based in some historical fact. I believed that stories like Moses and the Exodus and King David’s reign and the great empire of King Solomon were somewhere rooted in truth and historical fact and that there was evidence to back it up.

But very recently as I’ve started to deconstruct the myths about Jesus and Christianity, and even the Old Testament patriarchs, and even God himself, I am beginning to question everything that I was ever taught about our religion.

As I discuss in the video, above, the very origin of the God Yahweh in the Old Testament came from the ancient Canaanite myths about God. Just like the pantheon of gods that existed in the mythology of the Roman and Greek people, or the Egyptians, or other Mesopotamians, The God El in Canaan was considered the high God among many. In fact, his name translates as the eternal. Isn’t it interesting that Yahweh identified himself as the Eternal One, the I Am? 

This Henotheism, present in Canaan when Moses and his nomads arrived, is also evident throughout the Hebrew scriptures. Take the First Commandment from Exodus 20, “You shall have no other gods…“ That very statement denotes the existence of other gods. But Yahweh was instructing his people to worship him as the most high of all the other gods. That, by definition, is Henotheism.

And look what happens 12 chapters later, Moses descends the mountain only to find Aaron and the priests have erected a golden calf. And what the scripture doesn’t tell you is that the bull, which more than likely it was, is the symbol of El the Canaanite god. Moses comes down and finds them worshiping another god, the one from which their God was fashioned.

This theme rules the Old Testament in story after story of the Israelite people worshiping “false gods.” Gods like Ba’al, the son of El, and his consort Asherah. It’s why the prophets are always railing against the people of Israel. And the archaeological record bears this out. In the northern kingdom of Israel there were temples to these other gods at the time when the Bible CLAIMS they were strictly monotheistic, only worshipping one God, Yahweh. History indeed bears out that this isn’t true. The earliest Old Testament scriptures bear out that this isn’t true. If they were not polytheistic, which most scholars agree that they were until the Babylonian captivity, they were very much henotheistic. They believed Yahweh was THEIR God and the Most High of all other gods in existence at that time.

Scholars believe that the destruction of Solomon’s temple and then being driven into exile is what caused them to coalesce as a people around this monotheistic idea of Yahweh. They needed a unifying, cultural and religious ideal in which to rally around as a conquered nation. Think about the United States post 9/11 and how we all rallied around the patriotic ideal that no terrorist nation will attack us on our own soil and get away with it. In no other period of my lifetime have the citizens of this country united under the banner of “one nation under God.” So it was for the captive Israelites. And for that reason, scholars believe that’s when the religion turned monotheistic.

In fact, scholars also believe that that’s when the Hebrew Bible became canon. They believe that King Josiah trying to legitimize the new nation of Israel, centered in Jerusalem, began perpetuating the myth that Judaism had always been a monotheistic religion with Yahweh at the helm and that they had been brought together by King David. But we now know that none of that is probably true. Watch my video above on that and the one below on the Moses Myth.

If there’s no archaeological record, and the texts as we have them now point to Henotheism, at least, then how do we know any of the myths are true? Was monotheism rooted in the desire for a national identity as the chosen of God?

Something v. Nothing

Why are we here?

Why does anything exist?

How did matter win the war with antimatter?

The Qualitative Research Group at Northwestern University concludes, “the energy we encounter and use everyday has always been with us since the beginning of the universe and always will be with us. It just changes form all around us. That is called the law of conservation of energy.” The Big Bang Theory suggests that this energy began almost 14 billion years ago, so it had a beginning, we think, so why no ending? Why can’t energy fade and die out?

The US Energy Information Administration claims that “energy is neither created nor destroyed.” Then where did it ultimately come from? It exploded out of nothingness at the singularity we call The Big Bang? From what I can tell, quantum mechanics offers no better explanation. Looking at the subatomic scale we still see particles reacting to energy fields that seem a universal constant. 

I’ve followed Dr. Roger Penrose for years and I believe where he ends up is with infinite “big bangs,” claiming that the last one 13.8 billion years ago was the last in a series. Others conclude that we are merely one universe within a countless multiverse. Still, some philosophers assert that we are merely a dream of Universal Consciousness, questioning our physical existence at all. Is our physical reality even real? 

Where I see physics, math and science fall short is in the realm of the paranormal/supernatural/metaphysical/spiritual. Academia has yet failed to quantify anything beyond the boundaries of the physical realm. In other words, they have quantified through mathematics the so-called laws of nature, things that are measurable even subatomic particles. But, there again, all of these concepts, including astrophysics, are human constructs. Quantum mechanics is just a concept to help humankind explain what we can observe and measure at the subatomic level. But, there again, things beyond this physical realm seem to exist all around us, concepts like the fifth or sixth dimensions, consciousness or spirituality, that our science, our logic and reason fail to explain or even to prove. 

Does spirituality exist at all? What are souls? Where does consciousness reside? Science cannot tell us. Not yet, anyway. We live in a very exciting time with science stretching our understanding of the cosmos.

It started with with the Hubble space telescope, and what it found to be the “Hubble constant“ where the expansion of the universe appears to have happened faster near the Big Bang than we had previously thought. Currently, the James Webb space telescope has been shedding more light on the problem and has verified the Hubble constant. Scientists believe we may need to rethink physics altogether. We need to find new ways to explain what we are discovering at a very rapid rate.

That’s why I say it’s such an exciting time because of the new discoveries thanks to our technology. But we may never have the answer to the why questions that we are seeking. It could be that the answers are bigger than our intellect and ability to reason. Maybe it will take a higher evolved type of human in the distant future to gain the understanding or possibly create a new technology that explains the unexplainable. For now, humankind is left with questions that cannot be answered.

UPDATE: When I wrote this over two days, I had Euclid in my notes, but failed to mention it. This European Space Agency-led project has the audacious goal of mapping the known universe. The current mosaic of the night sky, impressive as it is, only covers a minuscule percentage of the whole, thus far. But the HD images, along with Hubble and JWST images, will help us gain new understanding of the cosmos.