Retrospective 2022

The year after my mom died really sucked. I wasn't ready to experience grief like that. I wrote that December just how awful it was. This is the end of the year after my father's death. The grieving process has been totally different. In 2016, the year actually ended on an up note as I landed a job I liked, a gig with a local band I admired and started a relationship late in the year. I can't say the same for 2022. It pretty much sucked all the way through.

LOSING BOTH PARENTS
I'm 54 years old now. I was 53 when Dad died last year and 47 when Mom died in 2015. You'd think a man that age would deal with the loss with a bit of dignity, grace and maturity. But you're never really ready to become an orphan. I think that still strikes you, or surprises you, no matter your age. I've talked to other adults who've lost their parents recently, and have heard similar sentiments from them. It's like losing your sense of belonging, of family.

In my case, that was exacerbated last year by the bad behavior of some bad actors, namely two of my siblings, their spouses and offspring. I had to cut these toxic family members from my life. So, in effect, I really DID lose my family. And that was a slow process that really started in 2015 after Mom's death. We all began to realize, even Dad, that she was effectively the "glue holding this family together." Many of us said it exactly that way, thus the quotes. In the aftermath of her death, we drifted and the fabric that held us all together began unravelling. 

It's not that we loved our father any less, at least my baby sister and I didn't, but he's still not Mom...the glue.

So when I talk about feelings of orphanhood, that really goes to the heart of it. I lost pretty much all sense of family. I'd already drifted apart from Dad's family and Mom's is slowly dying. We lost her brother, my Uncle Gary Larson, earlier this year. A couple of months later, we lost my Great Aunt Ruth Dunning, who was the last member of my grandmother's generation to go. The additional losses this year did not help.

My hope was to turn the tragedy of last year into some sort of renewal for me. I got sidetracked. Instead of using my meager inheritance to start over and move in a positive direction, I got stuck. I blew through the inheritance and ended up staying for months at my sister's house in Indiana. I wanted to be just about anywhere else (not because of her, read on).

LOSING HOME
I've always been a proud Hoosier, proud of my heritage and proud to call Indiana my home state. That has waned over time. Though I've dug into my pioneer roots for a couple of decades, that sense of pride I once felt about being a bona fide Hoosier, like since the time of when that queer nickname was coined, has faded. This is tied in with losing my sense of belonging and of family.

For more than 200 years, my family has called Indiana home. Mom's ancestors were pioneers of Gibson County, one of Indiana's original counties since 1814. Dad's roots go deep in Vincennes, the once Territorial Capital and home to U.S. President William Henry Harrison. We have ties to George Rogers Clark and distant cousins who served his brother in the Corps of Discovery (i.e. Lewis & Clark Expedition). All these connections to the pioneer past gave me a deep sense of belonging to this Midwest frontier.

But now that my family is splintering and fading away, Indiana no longer has the feel of "home." My soul has been longing for my beach...the one devastated this year by Hurricane Ian (Sept. 28th).

The adage says "home is where the heart is." My heart was broken back in September, but Fort Myers Beach (FMB) is still my heartbeat.

If my adopted family there will have me back, I'm coming in 2023.

But all that loss--the loss of life, of family, of home--has made this possibly the worst year of my life. The feeling of being stuck in a place that no longer serves as home, hasn't helped. It only exacerbated my feeling of isolation, loss and uncertainty.

Some of my choices were not made in the best headspace. I was still grieving my father (and my mother, for that matter). I was grieving the loss of family. I was grieving the loss of "home" when the water swept away most of my second home, FMB.

Tragedy and loss has certainly marked (and marred) 2022, as a whole. There are no words that can express the depth of grief or levels of despair, anguish and personal turmoil. This year has definitely tested my patience, my resolve and my personal growth. My mental health has hung in the balance at many times...and I've wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.

This is me being raw and vulnerable...maybe in a way I'm not all that much on this blog.

I don't hold a massive amount of hope for 2023, but as they say, "it has to get better." Right?

Mindful Post

Woke up from a vivid dream near 5 a.m. where I was helping others, being a connector and living my best life. It felt really good. It got me reflecting, being spiritual/philosophical, and as I often do after I journal about it, I write a blog post. This is that...

This is still true about my "sphere of control." It's why I still journal daily and try to self-affirm when I can, when I'm being mindful enough (i.e. present). I do have moments of enlightenment when I'm truly self-affirming and positive, like here. I wrote again in 2019 about "The Illusion of Control." But I awoke this morning with another "moment of enlightenment," after a dream where I was living my best life, serving others and being a connector. It led me to consider the Law of Attraction and how there has been evidence in my own life. I may not control what happens to me or the outcomes of my action (or how my love is received), but I can make a conscious effort to put the love, the good, out there. I do believe it makes a difference. It may not always loop back to me (the Karmic effect) immediately, but I do believe in radiating/vibrating/resonating at that higher frequency of being.

I wrote in Feb 2017, "Who I Am," but I was still learning and evolving. This is a process, by the way, that never ends. We are constantly evolving...well some of us, anyway. I call it the "I AM energy," my god-likeness, not in a conceited, "I AM GOD" kind of way...that's just where I came from. Call it Source, if you like. And if that is the beginning of me (and consciousness) then it has never stopped. I've only become more aware of it. In my Christian days, it seemed blasphemous to claim "I AM," like YHWH of the Old Testament (and Judaism). But it's no different than labeling yourself, "Christ like." I'm just claiming the source of my existence. I AM the product of I AM energy, of Source, if you will. That same energy propels us through the cosmos. I'm not claiming to be "god," I just have that as the source to my deep well of being. I AM because I have always been--one with consciousness/Source/God/The Universe. We are one, as Jesus claimed in The Bible. I didn't realize all this back in 2017. I began understanding a little more in 2020, as I blogged here in August that year, while at Dad's.

This last year has been another tough one. I am unsettled. I have no home, per se. I am a child of the Universe, a wanderer, a doer of good. I'm not sure what the future holds, but I'm still envisioning life on the Gulf coast, most likely Fort Myers Beach.

But I can't spend too much time looking forward. Life still requires my presence.

I guess I just woke up this morning being a little more mindful and introspective after a vivid dream I had. My girls are spending this holiday season in Italy. Currently, they are in Venice where they will celebrate Christmas.

I'm not much into the holidays anymore and I'm not in a celebratory mood. Today being Christmas Eve is really just another day. But I did wake up feeling more hopeful, more peaceful, more at one with myself (and my "I AM energy"). For now, that'll do. :) Namaste.

Perspective, Ego and Growth

In this ever expanding Universe, we are not even a grain of sand or a blip on the cosmic radar. We are truly insignificant in the galactic view of our reality...if we can call reality, reality. Isn't it just our perception of it? Are we but a dream on the tip of consciousness?

PERSPECTIVE
I think that is one thing which comes with age. And with it, comes some humility. That reminds me of a post by the Power of Positivity's Instagram Account:

I hope that's where I was going with my STILL GROWING AT 54 post. Life does have a way of bringing you back to humility. When your ego gets away with you, something inevitably happens to bring perspective back to you.

At my age, I still have things to learn and time to grow. But I'm definitely on the downhill slope on the backside of my life. Again, perspective.

I know that I'm not destined to live forever. Age is already showing in my joints, my libido, my energy levels. That's not to say that I'm done...just dying. I mean, we are all destined to become dust and rejoin the cosmos from whence we came.

The life hack is making the most of this finite journey -- enjoying the short time we exist in these mortal vessels.

I have to remind myself all the time to be present. "Quit looking back and looking forward all the time," I tell myself. The present moment is the only "reality" we have. Everything else merely lives in our mind, whether past or future.

Here's another meme I found recently that I really like:

If we're constantly in a state of looking back, living our past life over and over, how do we attain growth? There's no reason to stay in the past. We are evolving creatures. Evolution has been happening for eons. "None of us are the same as we were yesterday."

It takes intention to stay present, to be in the now. Like most, I struggle to control the random thoughts that pop in and out of my head. Eckhart Tolle refers to this as the unconscious mind. It distracts us. It goes to our ego, that sense of self that is the "sum total of our experiences." But we're not bound by our ego or the unconscious mind. 

I'm trying to go with consciousness. I want to be intentional. I desire continued growth.

Part of that growth is releasing others from their past sins. I can't hold others in the past, either. I must allow them room to grow and change. They deserve the same grace I give myself. But vulnerability is hard. Letting go of the hurt and moving past it requires the same intention as presence. It also requires the loosening of ego's control. "But they did that to ME!" Really, was your ego so bruised that you cannot forgive and let go? You've done the same to others and you expect to be forgiven. Live and let live, I guess is what I'm going for.

Ok, enough rambling for today. This was as much written for myself as anyone else.

We are all stardust...and to the cosmos we will return.

Suicide is NO JOKE

SUICIDE IS NO JOKE.

Our history, collectively, with mental illness is not good. We've forever made it the butt of jokes, quickly labeled those struggling as "crazy," and made light of a deeply serious issue plaguing our species.

My own history has not been good. I've learned that mental illness runs in my mother's line. Her Larson grandfather committed suicide by handgun. She and her brothers struggled/struggle, mostly undiagnosed with some form of anxiety and depression. I see it in me and my siblings.

But even in my own life, in my own family, "crazy people" have been the butt of jokes, not the source of introspection and acknowledgement. And that lack of taking it serious, hasn't served us well. ANY of us!

December 10, 2000, is a day of infamy in my personal timeline.

I left work that day so desperate to escape my reality that I drove to the woods and attempted to end my life by asphyxiation/carbon monoxide poisoning. I saw a Ford Ranger XLT the other day, about the same year as the truck I drove into the woods that day. It triggered an immediate flashback.

Tomorrow marks 22 years.

I'm much older and wiser today. I have two gorgeous, intelligent daughters who've now attained adulthood. They've brought unquantifiable joy and meaning to my life. I adopted the oldest a year, almost to the day, after my suicide attempt. How my life drastically changed in that one trip around the sun!!!

That doesn't mean I don't struggle. It's been a slow process of healing, of rebuilding my confidence in who I am and learning to love myself. I'm not done.

There is a new number to dial if you're in crisis.

988

Suicide and depression are no laughing matters. You're not crazy. There are people in this world who understand and truly care.

I'm one of those people.

Still Growing at 54

There have only been two other posts this month. It's been a month of soul searching.

When I wrote my Hell 2.0 post in early October, I was in a dark place. I was resisting what was, ignoring the signs in front of me. "Don't go back to Fort Myers Beach," they seemed to be telling me. That's what my sister said and I just thought she didn't want me to go back without her. But for right now, there's nothing to go back to.

I knew I wasn't ready to leave the country. Belize could wait.

There's been something afoot in my spirit; something holding me at bay. It's a familiar feeling I began to have about this time last year.

At that time, I was certain my future was in Colorado. I possibly had housing awaiting me there. My daughters are there. A woman I'd been pining for was there. But I didn't leave. An old flame was rekindled. I stayed to see where that was going. As I wrote, from a dark place, still shut off from love, still bitter and angry, "Then, in a state of unwellness, I did the opposite and stayed in Indiana, rekindling what I believed to be an old flame," (Hell 2.0 post). That statement ended on a really vindictive note and I said something I now regret. It was hurtful and I was called out on it recently. I repented.

Two and a half months ago, I was ready to leave Indiana. Certain my immediate future included the beach and my friends there, I was thrown a curveball when Hurricane Ian made landfall on Sept. 28th. My plans put on hold again, like last year. But at the time, I couldn't even conceive that the "old flame," could possibly be the reason. There could potentially be unfinished business there.

REALLY?!?!

I thought I'd shut that chapter of my life for good.

Recently, a cousin in Evansville was describing a family member who shuts the door on those who hurt him and like a cup being drained of water, that person was done with whomever did the hurting. I seem to do the same thing--shut down and shut out. Just like pouring water from a cup, as my cousin put it, there's no water left. I thought there was no refilling it...ever.

That's a shitty way to live.

Where's the room for grace and mercy and forgiveness? What about "do unto others?"

Watching my baby sister grow and change, I realized there was still hope for this stubborn, curmudgeony, old man! Where I saw a weakness in my sister, giving those close to her MULTIPLE chances, I saw the opposite in myself. I reckoned I was stronger, more resolute with deeper conviction. I saw it as my strength. That was convoluted. I was stubborn, angry and hell-bent on holding the hostility, the grudge against those who hurt me.

Fate saw to it that I stayed put long enough to learn a valuable lesson.

And as life always does, it brought me back to humility.

See? Old dogs CAN still learn new tricks!

But I wanted to publicly apologize for what I said in my hurt back in October. I want to make right the wrong and be a better, more humble person.

I want to remain open to love, to be pliable, teachable and humble. Still growing...at 54.

Divine Feminine Energy

I was watching an Eckhart Tolle video where he was reading from the Tao Te Ching. In the excerpt he read, "Master" was a feminine energy which I translated to be "an enlightened one" or Enlightenment, itself.

It reminded me that in Judeo-Christian Scripture that "Wisdom," as a persona is often a female. So I began to wonder if this was a theme carried throughout spiritual thought.

My research was nowhere near exhaustive, not by any stretch, but I did find common themes.

Take the Indigenous People. They perpetuated the idea of "Mother Earth." And this divine feminine energy is also found in Paganism and other nature-centric religions. It's definitely inherent to Hinduism--Tridevi, or three goddesses, is a term used to describe the three main female deities. Then, there are the goddesses of ancient mythologies. Again, I'm not compiling an exhaustive list, just providing some wide-ranging examples of feminine divinity.

Anyone familiar with this blog, knows that I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian home, rooted in Catholicism and later becoming Protestant.

The idea of feminine divinity was NOT celebrated in my home. In fact, the "worship of Mary" was one of my father's main criticisms of Catholicism. He was raised in that Church.

These are ideas I've begun considering and even embracing in the latter half of my life. It's no coincidence that humans on this planet owe their life to their mothers who incubated and delivered them. So why is it such a stretch for many Christians (dare I say MOST), to embrace the idea of a feminine deity?

I don't hold those chauvinistic ideals anymore.

I clearly see the dominance and utter devastation the patriarchy has wrought on society, and particularly in Western philosophy and religion.

It's evident in our politics and policies in America. It shouldn't rule our religion, as well.

It appears to me that the divine feminine energy has always been present, I just hadn't realized it. I knew the Biblical Proverbs that spoke of Wisdom as "she," but the Pauline Epistles make it real clear that women should not have a voice in churches.

It's well past time that we shake off the bonds of patriarchal religion and societal norms and embrace the divine feminine energy. It's a thing of wonderment and beauty.

I haven't waxed spiritual in awhile, so I felt this post was needed. Thanks for stopping by and entertaining my ramblings. 

The Carpenters

I'm a rock-n-roll guy; have been for a long time. But I started out listening to my parents' record collection. And because I had a stay-at-home Mom, I spent my early childhood listening to her favorites, which included Johnny Mathis, Mamas and Papas and one seminal album from a brother-sister duo:

THE CARPENTERS.

The album was 1970's "Close To You," offering up the duo's first NUMBER ONE hit, the title track of the album. Mom loved it because of the layered harmonies and Karen's silky smooth alto voice. Mom was also an alto who could match harmonies with ANY melody. She had a knack for that.

Their music is nostalgic to me on an intrinsic level. Richard Carpenter's opening piano riff on "Close To You" is iconic and it immediately takes me back to Race Street in Princeton, Indiana. That's where we lived when I started kindergarten. Other than my Sesame Street record collection on 45, that Carpenters album was the soundtrack to my early childhood. By the time they hit the "wah" section, I'm five years old again!

Their early hits have been playing on repeat in my head. As a follow-up to their first #1, they released their second hit, "We've Only Just Begun," which was a California bank commercial tune. Richard saw it on TV one day and said, "That's a hit record!" He happened to know the duo who wrote it and rang them.

I ran across a YouTube video chronicling their meteoric rise to stardom in the '70s, appearing on Ed Sullivan, Bob Hope Special, Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, their own special...they were all over television during my childhood. But they're not an act I seek out or regularly listen to. Had it not been for this random YT video I watched, I wouldn't have them on repeat in my head.

But there's something about nostalgic music and how it works like an instant portal. Like comfort food, this music takes me back to the warmth of living at home under mother's care, back to my innocence, a time when I didn't have a worry or care in the world. That's what their music has done for me here lately during this time of uncertainty and change.

Sadly, the world lost Karen Carpenter at 32. She was but a teenager when Herb Alpert signed them to A&M records and suggested the Burt Bacharach tune, "Close To You," which was originally written for Alpert to record, thus the excellent trumpet solo part. A&M left the arrangement to Richard, who had a George Martin-like knack for that sort of thing. I've even heard other artists and admirers compare him to the incomparable Brian Wilson. And as I said, that opening piano riff was all Richard Carpenter. But the silky smooth lead vocal was uniquely Karen. I don't know if sudden stardom contributed to her eating disorder, but it weakened her heart and she died young of respiratory failure.

SEE HOW PERFECTLY SHE SANG:

There was no better easy listening music from that period than Karen and Richard Carpenter. I think they played in heavy rotation on WXTC, Indianapolis. Dad would always have that easy listening station playing at low volume in the living room when I was in grade school, after we'd moved from Princeton. I think I remember falling asleep to the trumpet solo way back then.

The Carpenters, for me, are comfort music.

HELL 2.0

That was the theme of my morning journal entry today, 12 Oct 2022.

Two-point-O, you ask?

Well, let me take you back to my blog post on the very last day of 2016, "Worst Year, EVER!" I'd call 2016 (technically the end of Nov 2015 through Oct 2016) "HELL 1.0!"

I lost my car and my license that year. I lost my job, then after a summer with my grieving father, it took me until the end of September 2016 to regain employment. That's when things finally began leveling off, but then I had to face the first anniversary of Mom's death over Thanksgiving Weekend. Needless to say, Thanksgiving is no longer a holiday for me. I could live without the reminder.

I don't remember 2017 being a whole lot better, then 2018 kinda sucked, until I moved back in with my girls post-Hurricane Michael in mid-October '18. Christmas was ok, though I think the girls spent the full two weeks out of school with their Mom in PCB. As I recall, 2019 was a blur with patches of homelessness, where I slept out on the street. That year ended with several of my friends struggling to kick flu-like symptoms FOR WEEKS (HELLO, COVID-19!!!), which our government tried to cover-up until the following Spring when the outbreak COULDN'T be ignored! So 2020 began with COVID, then George Floyd and racial unrest, but I was quarantined with my girls so the first half of that year sucked LESS than the previous four.

So why HELL 2.0 for the current year?

Well, let's back up to October 2021.

I get a call from my sister the morning of 4 Oct 21 that Dad's COVID-induced pneumonia seems to be letting up, he's breathing better than ever and seems to have turned a corner. He'd been hospitalized a few days with breathing difficulty. BUT by later that day, he nosedived and his condition was worse than before. That night, around 8:30, he was dead. "Turned the corner???"

Through the great kindness of a wonderful, new friend in Boulder, CO, I was able to fly home the following afternoon. Officially, the year of hell had begun.

We memorialized Dad, but not without major drama from some former siblings, one of whom I had to take to court to send a message. I'd rather not elaborate for fear I might throw this laptop out this second-story window!

By the time Christmas 2021 rolled around, I'd had enough. I was preparing my return to either Boulder or the beach. Then, in a state of unwellness, I did the opposite and stayed in Indiana, rekindling what I believed to be an old flame. Turns out, I was just horny.

That misstep led to FIVE MONTHS of misery. THAT's how my year, 2022, started. I was living in the trash heap of Evansville, IN, trying to make the best of it, pouring myself into genealogical research and visiting nearby family--that was the lone bright spot of the Winter/Spring 2022. But in that time, I burnt through most of my meager inheritance from Dad. I, again, had nothing--no car, no home...

I had to escape that frying pan for the fire at my sister's house. ABSOLUTE CHAOS!

I knew this about my sister's living situation, but what was I to do? Go immediately back to Boulder?

My relationship with my girls was already on life support...I don't know why, honestly. That left me no real reason to go back to Boulder...so BEACH it was!

Only my sister needed me...and begged me to come back and make some semblance of order out of her chaotic existence. It was above my paygrade. I failed. That's not a word that's been part of my lexicon much since 2001. I don't like it. I like even less to have to admit failure. But that's what 2022 has been--one after the other!

I was looking to escape to Fort Myers Beach as early as June of this year. I floundered, began struggling again with depression, barely able to grieve my father's death for MONTHS! I was miserable.

It's worth noting here that being ORPHANED, no matter your age, is no easy thing to wrestle or come to grips with. I turned 54 in September. I hate being an orphan!! I lost the parents who not only raised me, but we GREW UP TOGETHER! And to make matters worse, I have no reliable siblings now, either. I'm a man without a family. And since my girls have ghosted me--at 18 and 21--I really feel like a ship without a home and without a rudder.

I'm adrift...

Adding to that helpless feeling, my beach, the one I was to go back to in June, then August, then September? IT WAS DECIMATED BY HURRICANE IAN ON SEPT. 28TH!!! How's that for a kicker???

I was literally looking at transportation costs on the day of my birthday, exactly two weeks earlier, then Ian hit...OF ALL PLACES!!! FMB took the brunt of 12-15 feet of storm surge and brutal 100mph+ winds, sustained. The beach now lies in ruins. I had my best friends down there ride it out in their stilted home. It barely escaped destruction. Their business was not so lucky.

I still plan to go back there, but there is no water, no power and parts of the island are inaccessible due to massive piles of debris, downed trees and power lines. It could be a month before power is restored.

Yeah, this year (Oct 2021 - Present) has sucked JUST AS BAD as 2016!!!
I cannot imagine Hell being much worse.

Signed,
Rudderless in 2022

The Human Toll of our Stupidity

The two words which came to mind in the aftermath of Hurricane Ian a week and one half ago. We can blame these Great American "values" for the massive human toll, which at this point ranks second ONLY to the 1935 Hurricane. That hurricane claimed 485 lives. The death toll from Ian is still being tabulated.

WE WANTED IT. WE TOOK IT!

In the news segment here, you'll hear from a scientist how the removal of natural dunes in the name of progress created the effects we saw of massive storm surge. These natural barriers between sea and civilization were bulldozed many decades ago.

The images, alone, provided by NASA are alarming...but more alarming are the harmful effects of unfettered capitalism, greed and growth that allowed the building of so many unsafe structures RIGHT ALONG the coastline...and this happens ALL OVER Florida!

The arrogance of planners and developers to think that we (mere mortals) can somehow stop the rising seas, we can resist the natural flow of water (see the Everglades) or in any other way FUCK WITH Mother Nature is pure insanity. Yet, we do it everyday. We restrict or impact in some way the flow of waterways, we introduce foreign objects, substances and species (plant and animal) and otherwise screw up the natural state of our planet, and expect the Universe to comply with OUR wishes. It just does not work that way. The Universe DOES NOT revolve around humankind!

The Army Corps of Engineers and the planners in Lee County believed they could manufacture islands to build a causeway that would withstand the terrific force of the Gulf of Mexico. Likewise, they filled in a swamp, then drained the neighborhoods they manufactured with endless canals and sold it to retirees as "Cape Coral." It was swampy marshland just inside Pine Island and should have been left to the manatee, the blue herron and the gator. But just like the concrete jungle in South Florida, we created a veritable paradise for mostly white people.

Why? Because we could...and developers profited greatly.

Time is about to show how much Mother Nature and the rising seas, due to a global crisis, care about humankind's plans--their avarice and hubris mean nothing to Her. Miami will one day be swallowed by the Atlantic, becoming my great-great descendants New Atlantis.

And as Hurricane Ian showed, we cannot sustain this type of growth along the barrier islands on the Gulf side, either. You can't resculpt islands, removing the barriers nature put in place, then put unsafe structures on the new landscape and expect Mother Nature to respect that. She won't. She doesn't.

And yet, in SWFL, just like in post-Andrew Miami, we'll see the tightening (in this case, enforcing, FINALLY) of building codes from the early 2000's. They'll ignore the lessons of history and rebuild on the exact same duneless beaches, just stronger, more fortified houses and condos. Hell, Fort Myers Beach was in the process of building the mega-structure Margaritaville when Ian struck!

But who will be able to afford to live in this new paradise? Only the mega-wealthy!

All that money and "sustainable" growth is still no match for the power of nature. Those islands WILL one day be claimed by the rising seas! Just as the above video shows us, nature already took a little of it back with her after Ian.

My post-Ian, anti-American Rant

 

I don't wax political too often on this blog. But here we go...

I have NEVER been a big Joe Biden fan! I voted for him, yes, just to get the Orange Twatwaffle out of office, who I don't even recognize as the "Former President" (FPOTUS). I believe he's an orangey stain on the history of the Oval Office...one from which we may never recover. That's why I refer to those four dark years (2016-20) as "45." Just like Colbert, I won't utter the name, T***P. Fuck that guy for what he did to this country!!! Grifter and shyster extraordinaire, lined his and his family's pocket while squatting (or attempting to in Jan 2021) in OUR White House! Enough on him...

Not a fan of Biden, or any old white men who've made a career living off the federal taxpayer's dime. We've had enough of his ilk (also grifters). He was the lesser of two evils in November 2020.

STILL...

He's done some good things since taking office. Yesterday, the country got one step closer to decriminalizing (and hopefully LEGALIZING) marijuana, a harmless herb. But I guess against the backdrop of 45, ANYONE WHO ACTS LIKE AN ADULT IN THE OVAL OFFICE would look QUITE presidential!

#DankBrandon he's being called. Cute.

He's fighting for reproductive rights. He's fighting on the right side of climate change. He's implementing his policies and they seem to be having a net positive effect on Americans. Sure, poverty and inflation are out of control. The wealthiest one-percent still have Americans by the balls. Our two party system has, by and large, failed us. But I can give Biden credit where credit is due.

Look at the #HurricaneIan recovery. It's been swift and bipartisan (though ALL GQP Congress Members voted AGAINST relief funding). He's worked with #DeathSantis to get the job done and look how far they've come in one week since landfall!

The guy is old. I don't want to see him run for a second term.

I don't want Bernie to run, same reason.

Old, white men are the reason we've gotten to where we are. Just ask Gen Z. They'll tell you. "FUCK THE PATRIARCHY!" and by that, they mean people like Biden, McConnell, etc... It's hard to argue. Our country is on the precipice of Civil War (sorta).

It's a war of ideas--Progressives v. Conservatives.

Why are so many hellbent on taking us BACKWARDS? Because an ancient relic, called The Bible, dictates morality and how we should legislate it??? I've got a bridge to Sanibel Island I'd like to sell you, along with some snake oil...

The answer isn't in either party. Most Democrats aren't progressive enough and they ALL serve the same master--GREED! Power and greed are the base of American politics. Neither party serves the common American. They all bow down to corporations, feasting at the capitalist tit! WE PAY FOR IT!

I'm seriously done with it. I'm about done with being an American. My ancestors came here GOD KNOWS WHEN. The Doyle lineage gets pretty sketchy somewhere about the turn of the 19th century in Western PA.

But this country still REEKS of Colonialism. We still shed a tear when the Queen of England dies. We still hold onto the ideal of Manifest Destiny. Just look at us! We're white. The world OWES US!

NO THANKS!

That's why I'm seriously considering upping my move to Central America. I was going to spend part of the next decade in SWFL...Fort Myers Beach to be exact. Mother Nature just put the BIGGEST KINK in that plan...

Belize, you ready for this expat?

In the meantime, you'll find me on Twitter railing against capitalism, fascism, MAGAts and all things wrong with Colonial America...just to MAYBE get a few people to wake up.

Yep, I'm just about done with this country. Thanks for listening.

Fort Myers Beach is Forever Changed

This video taken of the Times Square/Pier area and north end of Fort Myers Beach gives you the grim picture of the aftermath of Hurricane Ian. This monster storm seems to have unleashed it's fury on the seven-mile strip of beach. A good portion, I can't even venture a guess percentage wise, of the structures have been totally demolished.

This recovery effort is going to take MONTHS! I remember the truckloads of debris taken from the central panhandle after 2018's Hurricane Michael. That storm leveled Mexico Beach. Ian nearly leveled Fort Myers Beach. The removal of debris alone is a MASSIVE undertaking that will not happen overnight. Debris has to be cleared from roadways, so that inches to feet of sand can then be scooped away. Then structures will have to be secured or demolished, depending on the level of damage. Infrastructure will have to be repaired or rebuilt, and all of this will happen simultaneously over the coming months. It will not happen overnight.

That's months just to gain some modicum of normalcy. Businesses may or may not decide to rebuild. The impact on small businesses is HUGE, as is the impact on the shrimping and tourism industries. It could take years to rebound.

I don't know what the future holds for me and my family. I have friends, like family, who run the Baptist church and retreat center on the beach. They've suffered a near total loss. Will they stay and rebuild? That's the question facing so many people, businesses and organizations.

Fort Myers Beach will never be the same.

I'm not sure if I'm going back there. This storm just altered my future.

Fort Myers Beach Decimated

'Absolute devastation' about sums up the aftermath of Hurricane Ian to my island paradise, Fort Myers Beach (FMB). I posted yesterday about the threat posed to the 7-mile island. Well, it became a worst case scenario. As Ian gained strength over the warm waters of the Gulf, he curved northeastward, nearly imitating the track of 2004's Hurricane Charley. He went right up Charlotte Harbor after decimating Lee County's barrier islands.

The problem for Fort Myers Beach is that they escaped the eye. There was no respite from the winds and waves churned by Hurricane Ian. It was a constant barrage from the approaching eyewall, which first inundated Sanibel to the north. But as the cyclone scooted east, it brought the southeast quadrant of the eyewall over FMB. And once hurricane-force winds were onshore, it never let up. FMB remained in the eyewall even after the storm made landfall. While other areas, like Punta Gorda and Port Charlotte got the reprieve of the eye, FMB did not. It was a constant barrage.

The reported 16-foot storm surge did most of the damage. High winds took care of the rest. It really was absolute devastation. The aerial footage that has come in all day, from drones and helicopters, has shown the breadth of the damage. It's breathtaking. It took me half the day to wrap my brain around it.

The pier is gone (left). Yesterday morning I was watching foolish beachgoers navigate the rough surf under that pier. The downtown area known as "Times Square" along the shoreline at the pier is also gone. The area I frequented, the outdoor plaza where my band played several "sunset festivals," is a mass of debris and empty foundations.

One of the town's councilmen, interviewed on CNN, said, "There's nothing to come back to."

But back is where I was headed. Back to my beach, my happy place, my home.

Now?

Will they rebuild? Will corporate resorts take over the town now?

It's lost all of it's character and small town charm. My favorite beach bars are gone. The locals who staffed them will go elsewhere.

Coast Guard helicopters have hovered over FMB all day looking for those needing airlifted to safety. Everyone's car is flooded, damaged or gone. And even if residents DID have transportation, the roads are impassable. The island is a literal dump heap of debris...and boats...lots of boats.

On the approach to Matanzas Pass Bridge, aerial coverage shows the Shrimp Fleet all piled up on the east edge of the bay. Like toy boats, these large vessels are stacked haphazardly. Besides tourism, the shrimping industry was the other piece of the beach's economic puzzle. Now that's gone, as are all the locally owned businesses.

I'm beginning to believe the councilman is right. There really is nothing to go back to.

 

HURRICANE WARNING: Fort Myers Beach

There's a reason for everything, so I've learned to just go with it.

After getting waylaid in the Hoosier State, and opining for life in coastal Belize, I found myself spending another month up here spinning my wheels. I wasn't sure why. I wanted to be in Florida.

My plan since leaving for Boulder in late 2020 was to return to "my beach," Fort Myers Beach (FMB), where I'd transitioned from a married man to a divorcee back in 2012-13. I fell in love with that place. I FOUND MYSELF on that beach!

I couldn't figure out if I wanted to go back there anymore or head straight for Belize. Well, Mother Nature may make the decision for me. Over the next 48 hours, my beach may take the brunt and brute force of a Category 3 or 4 hurricane.

Hurricane Ian, ripped across the Western end of Cuba overnight, and set it's sights on Southwest Florida, a little south of it's forecasted trajectory. That's where I would have been the last couple weeks had I gotten my way. But for this reason, I was held at bay. How much would it have sucked getting down there, just getting my bearings again and having to evacuate mandatorily. That call came from local government at 7:50 a.m.

Now my island--that seven-mile stretch of postcard paradise dressed in ivory sand--is in the crosshairs of this dangerous storm. What will be left after 10-plus feet of storm surge?? The elevation there is all of THREE FEET! They'll be underwater.

We saw what Hurricane Charley did in 2004. That Cat 4 storm entered the States at Charlotte Harbor, well north of FMB. It cut Captiva Island into three sections, three smaller islands now connected by bridges. That was an indirect hit. FMB is similar in contour and just south of Captiva and Sanibel islands. I doubt it'll fare much better than did Captiva in '04.

I'm worried about my friends down there. I'm also worried I won't have a beach to enjoy anymore. But I am thankful I didn't head down there prematurely.

Maybe Belize IS in my short-term future. Who knows? Time will tell.

I guess the point of all this rambling is "just relax, live in the moment, don't resist." That's a lesson the Universe/Life has been trying to teach me of late. I was resistant to staying here in Indiana. I was eager to get back to my happy place! ALL IN GOOD TIME...and now is not a good time to be on Fort Myers Beach.

Favorite YouTubers and YouTube Culture

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about Life as a Dance and Where I'm Going. Days before that, I wrote about Reality TV/Vlogs. Well this is a continuation on those thoughts.

While I've been staying at my sister's house in Acton, IN, I've spent a lot of my days replacing cable TV with YouTube and two of my favorite channels are women living off-grid--Stephi Lee and VanWives, Crystal and Jaz.

Stephi Lee's Channel (click here)

Vanwives (click here)

Stephi recently converted from Van Life to a home of her own and focuses on her inward journey, as well as her outward. That includes her struggles with Cystic Fibrosis and Mental Health. She's a nomad and an artist, so I just love her vibe...and her honesty about her struggles is refreshing. Steph is not the typical "look at me living my best life" YouTuber. She's more honest, authentic and real! Check her out.

The Vanwives also converted from Van Life to a cabin in the woods of Nova Scotia in the last year. Their transformation of the land they own has been an amazing DIY project. They are living totally off-grid in a self-sustaining vegetarian-style lifestyle. It's rustic and remote and totally amazing! Check them out, too. Also, their Australian Shepherds are ADORABLE! (You gotta love dog people!)

But my transformation to almost exclusive YouTube watcher, with an occasional Netflix doc or news show on Peacock, has some pitfalls of it's own. I have NO MORE patience for repetitive commercials. Thankfully, most YouTube ads are no longer than :15 each (the non-skippable ones, anyway). And I've gotten so conditioned that I find myself getting impatient with the microwave! I'll be reheating my coffee for :30 and looking for the "Skip Ads" button. :D :D :D

That's mostly a joke...but not really. I hate ads. I started watching "Escaping Polygamy" for free on PlutoTV, but their ads are so frequent and so repetitive, I had to find the episodes on YouTube and watch them there!

But as with most social media, when you're following some "internet celeb" on their YouTube channel, you've got to take their "reality" with a grain of salt. I always find myself asking how these non-traditionalist/off-gridders actually make money apart from monetizing their channels. I haven't looked into ramping up my own and monetizing it. Who'd watch it anyway??

The point is, there is an alternative way to receive news and entertainment these days...what with streaming and the Internet. I get most of my infotainment and news from YouTube and other social media.

Now, with my Facebook getting hacked and suspended, I'm spending more time on Twitter and YouTube. Those have become my primary sources of late.

I've still been following Martijn Doolard and his cabin transformation in the Italian Alps, the Bus Life of RegretLyss, who I've discussed before, and occasionally I'll watch The Cottage Fairy's channel. She's got a book due out any day. If you're looking for something different, I'd recommend watching, even subscribing to, any of these channels.

There are ways to watch YouTube ad free, either through purchase of YouTube Premium, or add-on extensions through Google Chrome. I'll put up with the "Skip Ads" button and the shorter interruptions. I'm okay with those...but if you start cursing your microwave because there is no skip button, well, it might be time to get outside and take a break. I think today I'll take a bike ride :)

10 Reasons Why I'm Moving to Belize - #1 BEACH PARADISE

OK, Sports Fans!!! WE'VE ARRIVED AT NUMBER ONE!!! In Top Ten Reasons Belize is on my "retirement radar."

It's like a postcard...every image you see when you Google "Belize Beach" or "Belizean Beaches." Take the above, for example, just three of the images that came up this morning.

IT LOOKS IDYLLIC!!!

Everything that I loved about Fort Myers Beach, FL, just without the hassle of beach traffic, local politics, high rises and all the things wrong with America!

I've known since 2011 I was meant to live at the beach. At my core, I'm a BONAFIDE BEACH BUM, meant to live at a slower pace, a higher frequency and very minimally. Belize offers all of that and more!

Just give me a hammock in the shade of a palm tree with some cold beverage and a book. I'll be content as a clam!

I didn't realize how badly I wanted to escape the toxic (and increasingly violent) political climate of the U.S. The divisive rhetoric reached a crescendo in January 2021 and it's devolved into threats of civil war. Is that what America has come to? Is this the fate of the 200+ year American Experiment? Then COUNT ME OUT!!! (The "American Dream" was never for me, anyway!)

As alluring as The Florida Keys are to me, I'd rather just escape our borders to the safety of a third-world Central American country. I can fly under the radar there, live in my happy place (THE BEACH!) and live as a minimalist in nature. 

There are only 400k people in the tiny country on the Caribbean! And Placencia residents DON'T EVEN HAVE ADDRESSES!!!

What we called "Snowbird Season" in Florida exists there, too. An influx of tourists during the winter months, then the calm after the storm all summer long!

I won't need as much to support myself, so finding work locally should suffice. I'll only be responsible for me, myself and I.

And I can breathe the fresh air of Placencia and fill my lungs with the life-giving sea breezes. I can get back to ME!

After the hellstorm of the last year, that sounds QUITE DIVINE!!!

It's not going to happen immediately. I don't even have a passport, yet. This will be my first adventure across the border...but I CANNOT WAIT!!!

In the near-term, you'll find me recuperating and saving up, getting my affairs in order (including my first-ever passport) and living the beach life in the familiar white sands along the Gulf. But the BEACH IS MY HAPPY PLACE and I intend to get back there.

Belize is a veritable BEACH PARADISE and that's REASON NUMBER ONE I'm moving there!

10 Reasons Why I'm Moving to Belize - #2 English-Speaking

Alright, folks, we've come to the TOP TWO reasons I'm moving to Belize! 

I need to get out of the U.S., but I am unilingual. You'd think after all my years in Florida, I would have learned some Spanish, at least enough to carry on a simple conversation. But, alas, no. I picked up some things here and there, words and phrases, but I never made the effort to learn Florida's second language.

And I didn't have my sights set on Central America. In fact, until recently, I hadn't even considered it as a destination. My sights have been on Fort Myers Beach or The Keys in Florida since living in the former 2011-2014. As I've mentioned previously, and those that know me, know this--THE BEACH IS MY HAPPY PLACE! I've also mentioned other coastal locations, outside the U.S., I had considered, like Cuba or the Bahamas. Those places are outside the contiguous States, but close enough to be a short flight or boat trip away. Heck, people have swum the 90-mile Florida Straits between Cuba and The Keys.

But a big consideration was that I find an English-speaking country. I didn't want to be fish-out-of-water in a Latin American country where I didn't know exactly what was being said. I didn't want the language barrier to cause me confusion or trouble. So I began a search for coastal destinations where English is the primary language.

Two countries that I never even considered came up in the Top 10--Panama and Belize. Nothing about Panama, other than it's proximity to the equator, appealed to me. Belize, being a little closer and a lot less political/military, became my top choice. The fact that it's economy, like Florida, was run on tourism (and the exchange rate is great/easy) was another minor factor.

It actually surprised me that language would be such a big consideration. But I was looking for ease of assimilation and this fact draws a lot of expats from northern countries, like me. I initially looked into Corozal on the northern coast. But a little more digging soon revealed that Placencia is more my speed, though much further south.

These people, diverse as they are, can understand me! I won't struggle so much to fit into this melting pot of cultures, people and dialects. That is a HUGE plus, especially considering a move outside of the comforts of home.

In my last blog post, I recapped the other eight reasons that led me to choose Belize. I won't repeat myself here...but it did surprise me that FOOD did not make the top five. Coffee, sort of an afterthought at #10, would normally rate higher, as well. But ease of assimilation by knowing the "native" language--and Belize was a British colony in my lifetime--is more important than I would have expected. The Bahamas and Cuba, due to their proximity and the former also being ruled by the UK, were other places where assimilation would be easy...but they aren't BELIZE! Also, the corruption in Cuba was a major concern.

And while I've read all the fears about crime in Belize. It is localized and central to southern Belize City where gang activity is high. My sister also worries about traveling through Mexico and the proximity to drug cartels, but as I've told her, I'll simply steer clear. I've done my homework and Belizeans are warm, friendly and welcoming. Even the gangs don't usually target tourists or expats...it's more brown-on-brown crime...and in the city.

I'm sure I'll eventually travel into the city, the main airport is there, and the port for cruise ships, but I will stick to the well-known, well-lit streets...and would probably go with a local who knows the area. But English-speaking Belize IT IS!!!

Belize Recap - 8 REASONS WHY!

If you've been following along on your scorecard, we've reached the TOP TWO, but before we go any further, let's recap. These are the 8 REASONS I've come up with SO FAR...

It's super economical to live there.

It's very comfortable, climatologically speaking ;)

There's CULTURE!

FOOD!!!!!!

Diversity's a plus.

And that goes for the ecology, too. Plenty of natural wonders there to enjoy.

It's not too far from home -- same continent, same hemisphere!

And the coffee is DIVINE!

As Billy Banks would say, "BUT WAIT!!! There's MORE!"

Stay tuned as we dive into the top two reasons I'm moving to Belize (pun intended).

 

10 Reasons Why I'm Moving to Belize - #3 COST OF LIVING

 Here's a short video on the cost of living in Belize.

As you can see, one can live comfortably in Belize on about half as much as you'd need in America. Housing, food and other necessities are much less in the Central American country. There are more pricey coastal areas, but upon researching several such videos, most agreed that Placencia offers beach life at a lower price. That sealed the deal for me!

CURRENCY EXCHANGE RATE: Currently 2-to-1 Belizean dollars to USD! 

I won't need a boatload of cash to move to Belize and live on the coast. I can find affordable housing, and if I eat locally, which I explained in #6 - FOOD, I can eat on the cheap, as well. Oh yeah, and in my food blog I FORGOT TO MENTION CHOCOLATE! Nothing compares to Central American cacao! That's why it was so central in Mayan culture. And I like it extra dark!

Since 2006, and even more earnestly in 2012, I began downsizing my accumulation of things. I learned how much less I could live on and began looking at minimalism, minimalistic living and tiny houses. I went extreme in 2018-2021 and realized even how much less I needed to SURVIVE! It was an eye-opening experience. So part of moving to a third-world country is my search for a simpler life. I just want to make enough money to support a minimalistic way of life. Even if I never build the tiny house boat I've dreamed about, I could invest in land cheaply there! Belize is looking more and more like a long-term solution to me.

Here's another video from a group who planned a 5-day trip and ended up staying more than a MONTH! Now, they were living LARGE, but you don't need the most expensive beach home on the coast or that many paid-for activities to make a life there. Still, this video couldn't have been better produced by the Belize Tourism Board.

SO A BIG DRAW TO BELIZE IS IT'S AFFORDABILITY! Stay tuned for the TOP TWO...

10 Reasons Why I'm Moving to Belize - #4 Climate

TWO WORDS: SUB TROPICAL

Okay, it's actually one word, but it means "perfection." If you can deal with humidity, bugs and rainy seasons, this climate is IDEAL! The mean temperature in the "cold" months is 74-degrees. There are two seasons--dry and rainy, no winter, summer, spring and fall. And that suits me just fine!

According to Encyclopedia Britannica, "Trade winds blow onshore most of the year, and from September to December northerly winds bring cooler, drier air." So it's not humid there ALL the time. Onshore breezes, consistently warm, pristine blue-green waters...need I say more??!? SIGN ME UP!!!

This place looks like paradise to me.

I mean every coastal scene I've found online looks like a postcard. I've watched videos--pros and cons of living there--from people who've made the move, and everyone is more enticement for me.

I've already written about nature and the birds, the sea life, the forests of Belize. It's location in the subtropics, it's coffee and it's food...these can all be attributed to the moderate climate of the region. This subtropical climate is not only amenable to birds, iguana and sea life, it's super amenable to humans who love warmth, humidity, sunshine and rain. Some people prefer mountainous terrains, snow, a change of seasons, and that's great. I've lived in those climates, too. I'm just one who likes a more temperate climate with less change and lots of sunshine.

It's proximity to the equator gives it an ideal climate--not far latitudinally from the Caymans or Jamaica, with the same Caribbean vibe. As a beach bum at heart, the climate of Belize and it's beautiful beaches make it my top destination!

10 Reasons Why I'm Moving to Belize - #5 Culture

"English-speaking and Creole-dominated, Belize has more in common with its Caribbean island neighbors than its bordering Spanish-speaking countries. With a laid-back ambiance of swinging hammocks, large swaths of impenetrable jungle, and an underwater world of twisted corals, neon fish, and gentle manatees, Belize is a tropical treasure." SOURCE--https://www.adventure-life.com/belize/articles/history-and-culture-of-belize

I couldn't have said it better myself. Sub-tropical, laid back, colorful, diverse, Caribbean...are just some of the words I could also use to describe Destination: Belize.

From coast to jungle, there's so much to love about Belize. One piece of their history, dating way back before the common era, is Mayan Culture. I can't wait to go explore the ruins there!

"There was still a large Mayan population in Belize when Cortés arrived in 1519," according to Belize History at this travel site. Then in 1660, the Brits arrived to set up a logging camp. That began Belize's long history of colonization. They only became an independent country on September 21, 1981. That's the day they celebrate their independence. The democratic country is really still in it's infancy and trying to fight it's way out of third world status...tourism is helping.

Yesterday, I wrote about the diversity of their food, and before that the diversity of their people. The diversity of it's topography, history and culture is another draw. I can't wait to discover their music and customs firsthand...to play my djembe on the beach, to dance to the music of the Garifuna people and to immerse myself in the Caribbean vibe.

While there is no theater district in Placencia or local orchestra, there is still an abundance of culture available. Who has funds for an annual membership to the symphony anyway? I'd prefer a symphony of Western African hand drums, anyday!

The beach and the ruins will be my church!

Imagine meditation at this spot--Cahal Pech! The closest thing we have in The States are earthen mounds built by the Mississippian culture within Native America.

I had considered Cuba, as a Caribbean destination, for it's food, music and culture, or the Bahamas for it's laid-back, English-speaking, island vibe...but Belize offers all of that and more. It's the Belizean culture that starts my TOP FIVE reasons for moving south!

The Dance and Where I'm Going

Watch this video (listen really):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pV-D2_G9w5c

I've listened to several Alan Watts' clips, but never this one until yesterday, after finding it on my new favorite vlogger's YouTube Channel.

When I blogged the other day about Reality TV/Vlogs, I didn't mean I was swearing them off. They are still my escape and guilty pleasure. And the last few days I've been following Alyssa Bean, aka RegretLyss (her YT and IG handle), who lives with her dog in a converted short bus. This off-grid, non-traditional "van life," or "bus life," has been her thing most of her adult life. A graduate of Purdue and social media guru, she travels the country and has a video diary where she delves into her psyche while sharing her solo wandering from mountain to shoreline.

Check out RegretLyss on YouTube

As a non-traditionalist, wanderer/explorer, I dig her vibe. But I've been too sedentary of late. When I was living in the foothills of the Rockies, I was exploring all the time. I was very active, hiking to peaks in the 8,000-foot range, lounging at waterfalls, exploring abandoned mines...AND MYSELF! But here in the last 10 months, I've been nearly stationary, motionless and growing more and more restless. I need to wander. That's why you've caught me dreaming of Belize.

Part of that is discontent and wanting to leave this country for good. The other part is simply my wanderlust and need to find my center at the beach, in the tropics! 

But what about "the dance," as Watts puts it?

What about my day-to-day existence...my presence on Planet Earth? I haven't been dancing; I've been surviving. How much longer can I exist in survival mode? Even being sedentary as I have been, it's exhausting! It's taken a toll on my psyche. And I need to get back to dancing.

Thanks to Alyssa for the reminder yesterday. (I'll get back to "the countdown" momentarily, thanks for reading).