Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Long Winter of the Soul

It's 3 AM on a cold Indiana morning, though not as cold as it has been for two and a half months. Could we be seeing the last frigid days of winter? The groundhog thinks so. I certainly hope so.

It was just three short months ago that I loaded up the family truckster and headed to good ol' Indy…in the dead of winter. As I sit here by the fire and the light of my monitor, wondering what the hell I'm doing up at this hour, I reflect on the icy days of December, January and February. And while it seems that we are finally emerging from the cold, dark past, I'm left to wonder, has my marriage survived the winter?

Sure, we enjoyed the change in climate, the adventure of new beginnings and snow days, but as reality sets in—new jobs, new mortgage, new school—that whole "let's start over in Indiana" idea seems a little more suspect.

Honestly, it has been an adventure. The girls seem to be adjusting well. The job is certainly paying well. We love our new family at The Dwelling Place. And we love being close to my family. But we certainly haven't escaped us…Tracy and I, that is.

We had hoped for a rebirth, of sorts, for our marriage…a fresh start…a DO-OVER. Hasn't quite been as easy as calling "Ghost man on third!"

I knew that the transition would take its toll eventually. I knew that rebuilding trust could take forever. I just expected the new environs to help us cling to our newfound selves. But for whatever reasons—and I'm sure there is a plethora—we butterflies are clinging to the old cocoon. Why haven't we broken free and begun to fly? We're in counseling. We have a great support network. We seem to still like each other (I said LIIIKE, DOTTIE!) and enjoy each other's company. But to say that the flicker of romance is about as dim as my desktop lamp on low would be an understatement.

I'm finding out that marital do-overs are much harder than the ones invoked during child's play. Would the damn ghost man just score already!!! SHEESH! Steal home or something!

Our marriage still seems to be struggling through this winter period. If you read this and think "Aw, not Tris and Cracy," then you haven't been following along with the program. Say a prayer for us. Drop us a line or a note to say you're thinking of us.

We're both committed to making this thing work. We're just not sure we have the right tools. And let's face it, those of you who know me know I ain't the master craftsman when tools of any kind are required to fix a broken thing.

Well, that's all for today, children. Indiana's winter was bearable, but this long winter of the soul is getting old.

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